Perspective

It is our fifth wedding anniversary next weekend and we are going to one of our favourite restaurants in London. So I was contemplating what to wear. This is an activity that does not take that long as I do not have a particularly large selection of clothes that fit me. My mind went to the beautiful bright red skirt I wore for our wedding. I still have a swelly belly from the operation and that might work well.

And then it came to me, my weight is exactly the same as it was five years ago on our wedding day (it actually has been the same since I gave up smoking nearly 7 years ago). During those years it has been sometimes less and sometimes more for fairly brief periods - my weightloss in April brought me back to this weight too and I has remained there since. My unsuccessful struggle and dissatisfaction with my weight has remained constant throughout. What does that tell me?

On a positive note: I am still the same weight and the struggle was good for something. But how much effort and heart ache I have put into just staying the same. I, the oh so progressive one who loves change and evolution, I stayed the bloody same and gave myself a hard time over it.

Whilst I am on a roll being honest with myself.......... as I said, I do not have a large selection of clothes and I like to think of myself as being pretty good at not hoarding clothes. NOT QUITE TRUE! To be honest, I would say that more than half of the not so many clothes in my wardrobe I have not worn ever or only a couple of times when there has been some weight loss and I allowed myself to go shopping. In fact there are several outfits I have kept back from slimmer times over 10 years ago in the hope I can wear them again one day.

It is tough to be honest with oneself. Giving these clothes to charity is going to be gut wrenching for me. We have seen some good times together and I have attached so many hopes to them concerning my weight. During the last 10 years I have only cleared out clothes I did not like or which were too big at the very moment of the clear out. LOVE doing that kind of clearing out but as I have always put the weight back on again, it leaves me with a wardrobe of wrong sizes and not much to wear because I hate shopping for the size I actually need.

Time to let go.