Mind over Batter

On having fun

2008-05-20T02:55:00.000-07:00

"Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder."
Henry David Thoreau

I do not quite agree with this statement. I certainly agree that nobody can demand happiness, insist on it or make it conditional– when I am thin I am going to be happy, when I have lots of money I will be happy etc. And I also believe strongly that happiness is not going to come just because you put the thought out into the universe and do nothing about it.

I think we have got to work at being happy. Start by being grateful for the many good things you already have in your life (especially the small and tiny things we take for granted). Forgive whatever happened in the past (forgive yourself and others – not easy but a worthwhile exercise, especially forgiving yourself) And then you have the choice between being a miserable person or a happy one. Chose to be happy and do not worry - you are not going to end up like a sillily grinning fool at all times. Happiness is like a butterfly sitting softly on your shoulder - you will not always be aware of it. But nothing compares to the joy when you become aware of it.

Enough of my round about way of getting to what I want to say in this entry - I know how to do happy but not how to have some outrageous fun. I am having fun at home with my artwork with my life in general but it has become kind of solitary fun and I want some other fun too. I have written about it before but have not acted upon it because I have been waiting to be in better shape. There I said it! This is another of those things that when I own up to it out loud, I feel like a complete moron.

How dense can one get???? I am not going to have a better class of fun because I am thinner, I have not noticed people being different with me whatever my weight. I have just noticed that I become very self conscious, my own worst critic and subsequently much less out going (and going out) when my weight goes up. As I said, there is nothing wrong with having fun on your own - a lot of people could do with learning that skill. But I want more layers and enrich my life with ‘public’ fun (is there a proper word for this??)

So I figure the same applies to fun as it does to happiness. I gotta work at it. I can decide to have fun and set up the situations I would enjoy. Yes, there will be that niggling thought that suddenly the fun police is going to jump out from behind the bush, point their fingers at me and say: you are the wrong size to have fun.

What do you think? Should I just cross that bridge when it happens?

Apart from that, life is really good. I am in balance again and today I feel a million dollars. Weight continues to go down slowly and having reduced my food intake considerably has a lot of other positive effects. Thumbs up!

2008-05-12T00:50:00.000-07:00

I have just written a post that felt too personal to publish and share here. The insight I got from it I can share though. I came to the conclusion that my ego is way too important to me. Wanting other people to have a particular picture of me, not going full out with my art, being over-sensitive to critisism - it is all ego driven.

I want to be better, more special than others. That sounds horrible when I say it out loud!!! So why am I over weight? That does not make me better than others? Quite the opposite.

Derren Brown has a new television series and last weeks experiment explained a bit about why we do these mad things which go completely against what we really want to achieve. He put a closed box with a big red button in front of school children. Just before leaving them alone in room with it, he told them NOT to touch the red button. Of course they all did. He uses negative suggestions to cause an experienced high wire artist to fall off for the first time in his career and a young woman to push the button to kill a kitten (no animals were hurt of course).

We rebel against boundaries, of course we become more sophisticated when we grow up and without Derren Brown messing with your head you probably can stop yourself from electrocuting a kitten. But negative thinking also becomes more sophisticated and not that easily detectable. What we resist persists!

I am rebelling against imaginary boundaries I have set for myself and most of them are ego driven. My mission is to get rid of my ego. It sounds ludicrous to even attempt that, but at the same time it sounds right. There are no 'real' barriers in my life - I have worked so hard to get rid of the barriers which other people control. Only the ones I have put up in my mind are still there. I need to take away the barriers so I have nothing to rebel against.

For example in my attempt to becoming a mixed media artist I came up with the idea to allow myself to just be 'playing' and experimenting. I decided that if there was no expectation to achieve anything that has to be good, has to get the approval of others or (god forbid) could be sold. But I keep forgetting and put up my barriers again that stop me from really embracing my desire and going for it. I have a weekly call with a wonderful friend where we support each other to follow our dreams and make them reality. She is the one who reminds me again and again that I am just playing and experimenting and it is beginning to work.

For my weight loss I am trying to do the same. Day by day - the best I can. Nothing to rebel against like a big huge goal or telling myself I MUST NOT EAT (just writing these words get my my inner rebel stirring and ready for action) Sometimes it does not work that well but there is today and I will try again

It was yang time last week

2008-05-06T00:52:00.000-07:00

I wisely put a proviso into my euphoric posts about how good I was feeling - where there is light, there must be shadow. And shortly after my last post the shadow time set in. There was no good reason for it and little I could do about it. I said to G that I was feeling disconnected. I also was very very tired which lets me to believe that it was thyroid related. I no longer get painful chest pressure when I am over active (thank god for small mercies) but I get tired and turn purple when I exert myself only a little. By Friday I was feeling so poorly that I went back to bed at noon and fell asleep immediately for three hours having had a good 9 hours the night before.

So I had some white wine on Sunday but that did not do the trick and I switched to red last night (all my scientific research leads more and more to the conclusion that red wine is a very good therapy indeed). I have not been drinking and the alcohol had quite an impact. This morning I am feeling much much better and am ready to prepare the mother of 'things which need doing' list. Actually me feeling really good again this morning more likely means is that my thyroid is in balance and I need to take another tablet to keep it that way.

Another note worthy point today is that one year ago we were already on day 8 of our walk from Bavaria to London and I love re-reading our diary. Without our notes and pictures it would not seem real and I would not believe that we managed to complete such a big challenge.

Much lighter

2008-05-02T02:32:00.000-07:00

Yes yes yessssss I can report that I lost nearly 20 pounds during the last month and I am thrilled. Overall I am feeling very good but I am sooooooooo tired. I reckon it is my thyroid playing up but I have hopes that I will get some plan of action from the specialist I am seeing next week (what can I say - I am an optimist!)

In myself I am so much calmer about the weight issue. Losing weight obviously helps but there is the bud of something else too. Being the best I can today is still what is working for me - I am thinking very little about yesterday and the future even though I now have a clear goal I would like to get to. As part of my continuous improvement program I will add my self image this month. That should be fun! Any bright ideas are welcome because I know that just telling myself that I look fine ain't going to do it in those dark moments when I am vulnerable and not at all sure of myself.

Bottling that feeling

2008-04-27T23:11:00.000-07:00

Wouldn't it be good if we could do that...... I am trying to anchor a memory of the empowered, positive way I am feeling about myself and my weight. At the moment anything is possible. I have been trying to be my very best every day and it is obviously working.

I know life is an up and down, yin and yang and where there is light there must be dark, so I know it will not always be this way. But my overriding personality trait is optimism and I believe that what I am doing this time is a huge step forward.

Being on a very strict diet teaches me a lot of things about emotional eating. It is similar to the lessons I learned when I gave up smoking. Dragging on a cigarette always 'helped me' to ease any stress. Not having that crutch after giving up, I realised that I coped with stress just as well without - probably better.

After some initial adjustment, I have not felt hunger nor fullness for the last 10 days and because I am so focused it has been blissfully easy. Feeling the same all day long has side effects. For one I think it must be good for my body not to have the ups and downs of differing sugar levels - I truly feel amazing in myself. At the moment I need to sleep much more than I usually do and will be in bed way before midnight(!!!).

Not feeling hungry or stuffed also creates empty space. It is difficult to explain what it is like, I think of it as a large, white and very bright room that is nearly empty and feels very peaceful and empowering. What an unfamiliar place for me to be. The room I am usually in when it comes to food is cluttered, all the colours under the sun, it is busy, there is pressure and stress and I am spinning around in the middle of it, often in despair.

So what will happen the next time I feel emotional and will want to administer some food to make myself feel better?? Which room will I go to?

Weight loss journal prompt

2008-04-25T03:26:00.000-07:00

I use these prompts to write in my personal weight loss diary (I use a moleskine and the lovely ink pen I got for Christmas a couple of years ago with THE most funky colours of ink. If you have never come across a moleskine notebook you do not know what you are missing)

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.

Anais Nin

I am just thinking, if this statement were true - how true and reliable is MY truth? And I am thinking about my need to be right (which I usually am of course ;)

Feeling grrrrrrrrreat

2008-04-22T00:05:00.000-07:00

(My impression of the Kellogg's tiger) - hormones are lining up with the universe again and I am losing weight steadily now. It really is a head thing, not a will power thing and it is a today thing not a I am going to do it tomorrow thing.

My mantra is about what I do right now to contribute to where I want to be and often that just means I can not fulfill impromptu needs like eating something tempting. So what I am doing right now, is writing my journal and that has helped me no end to get my head straight. A big thank you to my two wonderful comment leavers - your support is so invaluable to me. I know I am accountable and supported.

I can not stop thinking about Dr. Who' s first episode of the new series 'Partners in crime' which, in a way, is about weight loss. Evil woman sets up big corporation and sells diet pills. People who take pills are delighted. Every morning they wake up and are lighter without exercising or eating less. At night little people made of their fat remove themselves from their bodies. They have eyes and little feet and just waddle away. Of course there is more to it, it is Dr. Who after all! But the thought makes me crack up every time when my scales have moved down. Another little fat person has left from my hips, or my thighs - next week one from my stomach please.

Hormones

2008-04-17T03:11:00.000-07:00

There I was delighting about my hormones being aligned with the universe and bumm, PMT hits me - hard! It is an emotional roller coaster being there and I would be very happy to not ever have it again. It always affects my self image which is my weak point even on a good day.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a woman. If I was about to be born again in our times and there was a queue for men and one for women. I would sign up to be female - no contest. I think the male species needs to go through a male revolution to find out where and how they can/want to/should fit into the world ..............

Anyway the good news is: I am a loser :) FINALLY I am weighing less than when I started this blog in January.

take that!

2008-04-10T18:05:00.001-07:00

You, you're such a big star to me
You're everything I wanna be
But you're stuck in a hole and
I want you to get out
I don't know what there is to see
But I know it's time for you to leave
We're all just pushing along
Trying to figure it out, out, out.

Your anticipation pulls you down
When you can have it all,
you can have it all.

So come on, so come on, get it on
I don't know what you're waiting for
Your turn is coming
don't be late, hey hey
So come on
See the light on your face
Let it shine
Just let it shine
Let it shine

Stop being so hard on yourself
It's not good for your health
I know that you can change
So clear your head and come round
You only have to open your eyes
You might just get a big surprise
And it may feel good and
you might want to smile,
smile, smile.

Oh don't you let your
demons pull you down
'Cause you can have it all,
you can have it all.

So come on, so come on, get it on
I don't know what you're waiting for
Your time is coming
don't be late, hey hey
So come on
See the light on your face
Let it shine
Just let it shine
Let it shine

Hey let me know ya
You're all that matters to me
Hey let me show ya
You're all that matters to me.
(repeat)
So come on, get it on
I don't know what you're waiting for
Your turn is coming
don't be late, hey hey
So come on, See the light on your face
Let it shine
Just let it shine
Let it shine

Hey let me know ya
You're all that matters to me
Hey let me show ya
You're all that matters to me
(repeat)

Hey let me love you
You're all that matters to me (shine shine shine shine shine so come on see the light on your face let it sine just let it shine shine)
Hey so come on yeah
Shine all your light over me.
See the light on your face

Let it shine
Just let it shine
Shine!

The masseuse is always right

2008-04-10T17:12:00.001-07:00

Usually when I allow myself the luxury of a massage every once in a blue moon (= probably once or twice a year) I get told that I carry a lot of tension in my shoulders and do have a lot of knots there. Often in recent years I protested and said I don't do tension anymore I gave up corporate life some time ago. But I guess, like so often I was deluding myself.

And today I could really feel the difference myself. I was soft and relaxed. Just one little tiny knot in my shoulders. I wonder what has changed............ let me think........

I also used to have a very sore right shoulder due to way too much time spend on the computer. Repetitive shoulder syndrome! But since I found arnica gel. that has been a thing of the past. I sometimes could not even lift my arm right up, it was that bad. And just before I found the gel I wondered out loud when the last time had been that I was pain free in that shoulder and I could not remember.

Today's recommendation: let go of the stuff that is not important to you and use arnica gel!

All or nothing attitude

2008-04-09T00:56:00.000-07:00

I.e. exercising three times in as many days like a maniac and then not do anything for three weeks or eating the whole baguette because eating half has spoiled that super ultra strict diet anyway...........................

Not me - nope. Can't say I recognise that attitude *cough* I can do shades of grey when it comes to me and my weight. Honest! I am learning.........................

One thing is for sure, I will never stay within my boundaries or keep doing the same routine religiously like some people I know who are brilliant at that moderately and regularly thing. That's just me and I like it. Mind you, I must have hopped on that bike nearly every day for weeks now. It seems my day is not complete if I have not done that.

'Motivation waxes and wanes with external forces, inspiration grows from deep within'

Look who is butting in now

2008-04-08T04:11:00.000-07:00

To keep the body in good health is a duty. . .

otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear

Buddha

I am on it - alright?! *big eye roll*

Sometimes I even manage

2008-04-05T10:55:00.000-07:00

to surprise myself. Not often - that makes it more of a surprise.

I am feeling incredibly strong at the moment both mentally and physically. Perhaps it is all the changes I am making to my thinking or perhaps my hormones are aligned with the universe - I do not know, but I am taking it and am grateful.

The realisation is that when I REALLY wanted something, I have never ever in my life given up. It might have taken me a while, I might have been afraid, it might have been a struggle and I probably whined a lot but I always got there in the end.

And all the things I did not get were not important enough in the greater scheme of things. That is not sour grapes thinking, they really were not important enough or I would have. That much I know myself - I just forget it sometimes.

Weight loss journal prompt

2008-04-04T05:55:00.000-07:00

Here is a journal prompt I really like. I use these in my hand written diary and this one fits beautifully in with my new theme.

When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.
(African proverb)

About living in the present

2008-04-02T11:00:00.000-07:00

By the frequency I am posting, it is obvious that I am enthused about my observations and the path I am on now. I feel full of energy again and Gary is on the up too - I think we both had a virus and are over it.

I have been eating really well, I have been doing a sweaty workout very regularly and I am much more relaxed about matters of weight. So even when there was another pound on the scales this morning I was philosophical. I may not be able to control my weight which may be thyroid related or have some other reason I am not aware of, but I have control over other things and I am finally concentrating on those.

The present is a gift

and I am asking myself these questions to help myself:

What would be most fun?
What would I love to do?
What can I play around with?
What is the smallest next step I can make?

and one question I have not used much in my life:

What would be easiest right now?

I think I used to live by an unwritten rule that said, if it is easy it ain't worth having - make it difficult and complicated and then put your all in to achieving it. Oh, and be stern with yourself if you do not! What I can not figure out at the moment is when I created that belief and why.

And looking back over the last10 years, all of the things that make my life wonderful today have come easily. I can not recall any of them being difficult, complicated and stressful. And even if my memory is selective they were 'projects' which involved my passion, my love and fulfilled my need to never stand still, be satisfied with my lot and shrivel up. Life is simply too precious to do that.

Pin ball machines and the Tao de Ching

2008-04-01T01:27:00.000-07:00

I have acknowledged in an earlier post that I am an emotional eater and have been looking for a metaphor to describe what is going on. It came to me just now when I looked at my beautiful Star Trek pin ball machine.

Imagine the ball as a person, the flippers are their emotions and the trigger is controlled by somebody on the outside who is playing with the machine. The machine is switched on and the game begins, the ball and the flipper collide and the ball gets catapulted around the machine. It could be a happy event, somebody telling me how wonderful one of my pieces of work is ..... bulls eye, the ball has hit a double point target the machine goes wild 'ding ding ding ding', lights flash and it notches up the points.

It could be a disappointment, my work was not accepted by a magazine......... the ball shoots around the machine and ends up too far left and drops out of the game. No points, game over, you are useless. I eat to give myself a good emotion. HAHAHAHA (insert evil laugh) who says I am not in charge of my emotions!

I think it is obvious that one should not let ones emotions be controlled from the outside. I also belief that many of our actions are driven consciously or unconsciously by the need to feel some degree of control over our lives. Where there is a gap between the two, we will find ways to compensate: eating, not eating, shopping, drinking, gambling, denial, guilt trips, abusive self talk........... Many self-help gurus talk about finding balance but I am a passionate, impulsive person and I like that about myself. I do not want to be a middle of the road person sitting on fences. So I went on this thought trip:

I download and listen to some shows from Hayhouse radio to learn and widen my horizon. There I heard Dr. Wayne Dyer talk about the Tao de Ching and I went off to read it. The beginning of the second verse of the Tao de Ching has stuck in my mind ever since:

When people see some things as beautiful,
other things become ugly.
When people see some things as good,
other things become bad.

Somehow that fits in with my post about John Wooden's philosophy. In our society winning a basketball game is good, therefore losing it is bad. The outcome of the game seems to define the teams and players but that is not telling the whole story. In contrast I watched the figure skating World Championships in March and realised they had completely changed their judging system from a 10 out of 10 'judges hold paddles up' system to an intricate computerised points system where judges and specialists look at every aspect of the skate and the result is a much wider range of points. It makes it fairer for the skaters but what really impressed me was that now they prominently displayed each skaters seasonal best score for the audience to compare with their score on the day. If I remember rightly, the silver metal winner in the men's competition was quite a bit below his own season's best. But there were scores of skaters in the minor places who had risen to the occasion and surpassed their own best scores by miles.

What would life be like if I only competed with my own personal best? Could I keep my passion and my impulses and my many other quirks that make up MOI and still find balance and peace of mind?

I feel some Kaizen coming on.....................................................

Below 3000 (No, not pounds!)

2008-03-30T03:59:00.000-07:00

Wohoooooooooooooo

Today I celebrate moving out of the 3000's. I probably will be biking most of my way to 3650 and my bum which has never known to be flabby is going to be granite by the end of it!

Continuing on from my last post I have been trying to relax and let go of that picture of myself I think I ought to be. I have been hanging on to that for dear life and admittedly been rather tense and intense about. So I have been trying to wrap it into a glittering bubble and let it fly off into the distance. How does one know one has let it go? I can visualise it going but how do I KNOW it is gone? Bet with you there is no definite answer to that so I let that question go too.

Concentrating not on what I could or should do, but what I actually am doing is certainly an improvement. It helps me think more clearly and be honest with myself.

Bouncily yours........

New definition of success for me

2008-03-26T03:07:00.000-07:00

I have just been reading about John Wooden, THE most successful basketball coach of all times and one of his maxims struck me in the context of weight loss. His website is fascinating.

John Wooden did not discuss winning or losing with his players because he thought that that was a byproduct of preparation. He focused on the process of making his players into the best team they were capable of becoming.

His definition of success is not how much you have achieved, accumulated or how powerful you have become. He believes that success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to become the best of which you are capable.

As I have started concentrating on daily exercise and action towards becoming a super fit person this is making a lot of sense. I focus on that daily action rather than a weight goal which I may or may not be able to achieve. It is about being present, in the now. Think about anything you are frustrated about not being able to achieve. It is highly likely that you are frustrated because you are more attracted by the idea of achieving than the idea of what you have to do to achieve it. So it is about falling in love with what needs doing?

Just saying it out loud is interesting: Success is a byproduct! It takes away the significance from that moment when you finally hit that goal, that moment when you make it, reach the top, are a success.

Success is a byproduct will become my daily mantra. Peace of mind and relaxing about weight would mean so much more than hitting htat goal.

What are goals for

2008-03-18T04:41:00.000-07:00

if one can not change them. I have been trying to go with my head through the wall and have been getting exactly nowhere. So it ain't working, I am getting it.

Slight changed of tactic and I am focusing more on being fit and strong. Fat, fit and strong is better than fat, flabby and weak I guess (she says with moderate enthusiasm because deep down all she wants is to be slim).
The stationary bike is back in the living room for the time being. It is just not nice in our garage come gym when it is cold and wet outside. Also in the gym I can not watch the backlog of films I have recorded . So I am peddling my heart out in the living room, 20km a day. Today I was so engrossed in this film that I ended up doing 30km. Fine by me. Tomorrow it is back into the gym to do a session of weight lifting.

When I was redefining the goal it came to me how many things I still want to achieve which are physical and depend on me being good shape:

Dive into water
This might sound funny to most but I simply have not been able to do it. And they have tried to teach me, including this strange boyfriend I had in Munich who was a Psychiatrist in training. He ensured that I got out of that relationship double fast when he took me to meet his psychiatrist mentor for 'tea' (nobody in Germany invites people for 'tea' other than those who have ambitions of grandeur) First I was quite flattered, she lived in a very posh villa but I realised very quickly that I had been asked so that she could have a chance to look me over. He obviously wanted (or, even worse, needed??) her approval. I was young and rebellious, so I obliged and gave her plenty of reasons to disapprove. He never taught me to dive from the pool side and I think I had a very lucky escape there.

Crawl
No not on all fours but in the water. I am stuck with my breast stroke and want to do more.

Hand stand
This is a hangover from being one of the worst at sport in school. I think the way sports teachers reinforced our beliefs that we were not very good at anything sporty was a crime. But they obviously preferred to spend their time with the best and gave up very easily if people like me did not pick up quickly enough whatever they were teaching. So I still can not do a hand stand (but at least I can suck my big toe!)

Learning to ski
Oh my, another one of those school memories. We went on only one ski trip from school and on the first couple of days everybody started out on the nursery slopes so they could assess our skills. Thinking back, my expectations were so low of myself. I was not alone on that front and was immediately grouped with the nerds who were bad at sport in general. None of us had ever been on a pair of skies. Of course our group ended up the entire week on the nursing slopes close to our youth hostel and the rest of the school went off, skiing off big mountains, having great days out. Guess where the best teachers were during that week? Ever heard of self fulfilling prophecies?

Tandem hang gliding
Hurling off a mountain secured to a nylon wing yeahhhhhhh (there is a weight limit and I am not within range)

Triathlon
This ambition has been with me forever and I will just have to bloody do it or I will still be talking about it when I am 60. Being able to crawl would be good, being able to run would be useful too .............................

I am still kicking

2008-03-16T09:12:00.000-07:00

Wow, that was a long and unplanned break.
My Kiniesologist prescribed Walnut tincture to help balance my thyroid. It did not exactly balance but send my thyroid activity stratospherically up into overactive. I ended up feeling crap with constant chest pain and throat ache for about 3 weeks. I got lots of the side effects described for overactive thyroid, all apart from weight loss(!). Ah well. If you are reading this and have an under active thyroid problem, I can highly recommend you try Black Walnut tincture. After reading up on it, the general consensus is that is has a stimulating effect on the thyroid and I can confirm that.

Back in the saddle I have started to catch up on this years kilometer goal and have done 76 km in the last three days. When the thyroid is back in balance I feel like a new born person - it is like magic!

Could have done without this little episode but it is all character building I guess. Weight is about the same as it was three weeks ago.

Not so useful questions

2008-02-24T01:33:00.000-08:00

So I get that I am not supposed to do negative self talk and thoughts. I am working hard and that and getting better at it. After all, this blog is about me stopping to batter myself.

I have been adding journal prompts to my blog. I want to have a whole list of great questions which make me pause and think before I answer them. They can often lead to great insights. The quality of the question determines the quality of the answer. I thought I am pretty good at this, you know being a trained coach and a bright open minded person and all that. Then I listened to one of my favourite podcasts 'Weightloss and the mind' . There are often real thought provoking gems in these podcasts. I nodded along with them when they were talking about their topic of great questions - 'yeah, yeah I know all that and totally agree' I thought smugly.

They stopped me dead in my tracks when they started talking about bad questions. Like: 'Why can't I lose weight?' I know I often ask myself that very question in my head (try to imaging the whining voice and an undertone of self-pity and desperation) My answer usually includes: 'because I am lazy' and 'I have no self-discipline' and 'I am useless' (imagine slightly higher pitched whiny voice and lower lip quivering now with self-pity) How useful are these answers? If my aim is to give myself a hard time: VERY! If my aim is to lose weight: No use whatsoever!

My thought police has got clear instructions: Spot those unhelpful questions!! 'Why' questions simply do not help to come up with quality answers - be that in your own head or if you ask somebody else. They often sound like an accusation or judgmental (you can really only get away with them as an inquisitive child). Why do you wear your skirts that length? Why did you not call me? Why can I not get that right?

still dawning on me

2008-02-21T00:48:00.001-08:00

I have this thing about food and drink that has been opened. Who the hell invented wine stoppers? Why would one need them? An open bottle of wine is an empty one. A loaf of bread started is a loaf of bread finished. Boxes of chocolate or cookies do not often make it into the house but if they do, they do not have the pleasure of my company for very long - they need to be destroyed! And I am the worlds bestes finisher of what is on my plate.

What is that all about? Some is definitely a hang over from childhood. 'Finish your plate, there are starving children in Africa' and we were actually not allowed to get up from the table until we finished our plate. But also a healthy respect for the cost of food (we were 5 children and my father a factory worker). So the good that came out of it is, that I can make a mean meal of any combination of left overs. The not so good that I still have a strong urge to finish my plate and all my trials to leave some on every plate I eat have failed miserably so far - I simply forget that I wanted to do that and my long practised habit to clear the plate kicks in.

In the last couple of weeks I have seen subtle changes. I am just leaving food on my plate when I have had enough without having to think about it (I am surprised every time). Instead I am now offering the left overs on my plate to Gary (I am compensating, ok!). He is trying very hard not to have second helpings and I am not helping with my new tactic. Gotta stop that.

I have tried not to have bread in the house for years and to make it the devils work in my mind (remember the spittoon?). That had the effect that when I bread is in the house, there is no stopping me. I will eat and eat and eat until it is gone. Not a good relationship. So I baked some bread, cut it up into slices and put them in the freezer. Yesterday I bought some butter as well. Now I have the ingredients of my 'last death row meal' in the house. Warm bread with butter. I had one slice yesterday and it was heaven. This is my training for the next couple of weeks. To have s o m e, now and then. Not shovelling it into me like there is going to be a world shortage any time soon (mind you - listening to Gary talking about the price of wheat.............)

On top of it all I have PMT. Proof was the dessert I conjured up for us after dinner and that box of Jaffa cakes that had made it into my shopping basket. I admit (slightly ashamed) that I opened the box of Jaffa cakes late last night and normally that would have meant an empty box. But they were not very nice (not something that would have bothered me a couple of weeks ago) the base was dry, the orange topping to small and not smooth enough and the chocolate yucky. I ate three, realised that they were crap and the rest of the box went into the bin (it is still there and will not be retrieved either!)

It is hard to be brutally honest with myself in public. I think any overweight person is also a master at kidding themselves.

New dawn??

2008-02-18T00:36:00.000-08:00

I am very careful these days with any claims I make around possible success regarding my weight loss journey. But I have to report a period of reconciliation with my inner child. I have found a way to communicate and make up for lost time. One of the most important things I have done is to set an anker (NLP) where I can find a great deal of comfort for the two of us by just rubbing my right upper arm. I agree whole heartily with any cynic out there that that sounds like I have developed a split personality but it feels very right.

As I am in the lucky position not to have to worry about much else I want to start over again with new vigour and focus. I have been looking at local personal coaches and will start an intensive programme of strength training. My 3650 km challenge continues with a bit more ummphhh to build my endurance.

In the back of my mind there are of course my past failures and the thought that I will make myself look like an even greater moron if I mess this up again. Amazingly I feel myself having a very strong response: It is contains a couple of expletives and basically expresses that I will not be stopped by what other people might or might not think of me. I know that only the times when I do not try will be lost days.

My strong need to do well in certain peoples eyes is a childish notion. It is very normal for a child to grow through encouragement and acceptance. I think I did not get enough of that when I was a child and became a chronic people pleaser in my teens and early 20's until I realised I had to find my own personality and will instead of being a flag in the wind, changing direction according to who I was around. Up to now I thought I had dealt with this and the chapter was closed. Now I realise that I had dealt with it up to a point but brushed some really important bits under the carpet.

Writing this, I realise why I became such an independent person, trying not to rely on anybody or anything. If you do not let anybody too deep into your life, they do not matter that much and I do not need them to think highly of me. So I changed boyfriends regularly and poured all my effort into work where I did really well and therefore moved around a lot. I took great pride in my work and everybody thinking that I was really good at it.

My whole world came to a crashing hold when I encountered a new boss who did not think that I was good at my job. I worked my little socks off as only I know how to - it had never failed in the past to change somebody’s mind of me. But with him nothing worked and I started to compensate by eating, eating, eating ,eating. Eventually he put a stop to the whole sorry tale by making me redundant (read: he sacked me with sugar coating on the top). He was not very clever doing that because it was illegal and I was going to take the company to court over it. He had to apologize to me (nearly choked him and did not give the satisfaction I had hoped for) and I got the big company promotion I had been after and deserved. But somehow the damage had been done - since that time I have a great capacity to put on weight. I took it off four or five times but always put it on again.

A cathartic entry I will post here thanks to the wonderful messages left after my light bulb moment. I think you are very special people too!

Weight loss journal prompt

2008-02-11T05:23:00.000-08:00

Use these prompts as inspiration for an entry in your weightloss journal

Probably nothing in the world
arouses more false hopes
than the first four hours
of a diet.

Dan Bennett

Week 7 Results

2008-02-10T05:15:00.001-08:00

Enough said yesterday!

On a positive note, I have completed 10% of my walking challenge for this year! go go gooooooooooo