I have just written a post that felt too personal to publish and share here. The insight I got from it I can share though. I came to the conclusion that my ego is way too important to me. Wanting other people to have a particular picture of me, not going full out with my art, being over-sensitive to critisism - it is all ego driven.

I want to be better, more special than others. That sounds horrible when I say it out loud!!! So why am I over weight? That does not make me better than others? Quite the opposite.

Derren Brown has a new television series and last weeks experiment explained a bit about why we do these mad things which go completely against what we really want to achieve. He put a closed box with a big red button in front of school children. Just before leaving them alone in room with it, he told them NOT to touch the red button. Of course they all did. He uses negative suggestions to cause an experienced high wire artist to fall off for the first time in his career and a young woman to push the button to kill a kitten (no animals were hurt of course).

We rebel against boundaries, of course we become more sophisticated when we grow up and without Derren Brown messing with your head you probably can stop yourself from electrocuting a kitten. But negative thinking also becomes more sophisticated and not that easily detectable. What we resist persists!

I am rebelling against imaginary boundaries I have set for myself and most of them are ego driven. My mission is to get rid of my ego. It sounds ludicrous to even attempt that, but at the same time it sounds right. There are no 'real' barriers in my life - I have worked so hard to get rid of the barriers which other people control. Only the ones I have put up in my mind are still there. I need to take away the barriers so I have nothing to rebel against.

For example in my attempt to becoming a mixed media artist I came up with the idea to allow myself to just be 'playing' and experimenting. I decided that if there was no expectation to achieve anything that has to be good, has to get the approval of others or (god forbid) could be sold. But I keep forgetting and put up my barriers again that stop me from really embracing my desire and going for it. I have a weekly call with a wonderful friend where we support each other to follow our dreams and make them reality. She is the one who reminds me again and again that I am just playing and experimenting and it is beginning to work.

For my weight loss I am trying to do the same. Day by day - the best I can. Nothing to rebel against like a big huge goal or telling myself I MUST NOT EAT (just writing these words get my my inner rebel stirring and ready for action) Sometimes it does not work that well but there is today and I will try again