New dawn??

I am very careful these days with any claims I make around possible success regarding my weight loss journey. But I have to report a period of reconciliation with my inner child. I have found a way to communicate and make up for lost time. One of the most important things I have done is to set an anker (NLP) where I can find a great deal of comfort for the two of us by just rubbing my right upper arm. I agree whole heartily with any cynic out there that that sounds like I have developed a split personality but it feels very right.

As I am in the lucky position not to have to worry about much else I want to start over again with new vigour and focus. I have been looking at local personal coaches and will start an intensive programme of strength training. My 3650 km challenge continues with a bit more ummphhh to build my endurance.

In the back of my mind there are of course my past failures and the thought that I will make myself look like an even greater moron if I mess this up again. Amazingly I feel myself having a very strong response: It is contains a couple of expletives and basically expresses that I will not be stopped by what other people might or might not think of me. I know that only the times when I do not try will be lost days.

My strong need to do well in certain peoples eyes is a childish notion. It is very normal for a child to grow through encouragement and acceptance. I think I did not get enough of that when I was a child and became a chronic people pleaser in my teens and early 20's until I realised I had to find my own personality and will instead of being a flag in the wind, changing direction according to who I was around. Up to now I thought I had dealt with this and the chapter was closed. Now I realise that I had dealt with it up to a point but brushed some really important bits under the carpet.

Writing this, I realise why I became such an independent person, trying not to rely on anybody or anything. If you do not let anybody too deep into your life, they do not matter that much and I do not need them to think highly of me. So I changed boyfriends regularly and poured all my effort into work where I did really well and therefore moved around a lot. I took great pride in my work and everybody thinking that I was really good at it.

My whole world came to a crashing hold when I encountered a new boss who did not think that I was good at my job. I worked my little socks off as only I know how to - it had never failed in the past to change somebody’s mind of me. But with him nothing worked and I started to compensate by eating, eating, eating ,eating. Eventually he put a stop to the whole sorry tale by making me redundant (read: he sacked me with sugar coating on the top). He was not very clever doing that because it was illegal and I was going to take the company to court over it. He had to apologize to me (nearly choked him and did not give the satisfaction I had hoped for) and I got the big company promotion I had been after and deserved. But somehow the damage had been done - since that time I have a great capacity to put on weight. I took it off four or five times but always put it on again.

A cathartic entry I will post here thanks to the wonderful messages left after my light bulb moment. I think you are very special people too!