Mind over Batter

September

2011-09-01T17:27:00.000-07:00

I wish I could say all is perfect perfect................. but what kind of dull life would that make:

Life is semi-perfect and there is one shadow I need to jump over FAST.

I am still me, still the same weight or if in doubt - slighty more- but I am me. And I will not give up.

Make your own meal replacement shake

2011-04-25T12:46:00.000-07:00

I have had my fair share of these meal replacement drinks and they tend to have one or two things in common: artificial flavours, some sort of sweetener and funky E ingredients and stabilizers. In general the shakes are too sweet for me and do not get me started on the taste of most soups. So I am making my own and becoming quit a whizz at it.

Meal replacement shake recipe
Your protein powder of choice ( I use pea protein and have gotten used to the taste)
plus
organic low fat milk or Soy Milk or my preference: Rice Milk
plus often
a teaspoon of good dark chocolate powder
plus
frozen cherries or a banana or mint leaves or any fruit of your choice
optional
a squirt of Agave Nectar if it is a little bland

I tried a couple of days ago a shake with a spoon full of organic peanut butter - yummmm. Very satisfying!

The advantages are obvious:

Taste
Price
Quality

In summary, don't buy pre-made meal replacement shakes. You can do so much better without much work. Get yourself a magic bullet, a tub of protein powder (plain, you do not want to be adding those artificial sugars again) and some choice ingredients.

Of coursehis works with meal replacement soups as well!

Meal replacement soup recipe
Cook a vegetable soup (pea, cauliflower and almonds or tomato are my current favourites)
fill a magic bullet cup with your soup
add a spoon full of protein powder and
mix

The taste will be so much better than any of the stuff you can buy and taste SOOOOOO much better. You can freeze it in individual portions too.

All set for 2011

2011-01-02T03:38:00.000-08:00

I have created a beautiful goal canvas where G and we added our goals for the year in form of butterflies and moths. Very motivating and already looking forward to opening them up next December and read them together.

I also know exactly what I want to achieve this year. But more than anything I want to enjoy the present moments. Wether I am good or bad - I never want to be indifferent to what is going on within or around me.

Going too see doctor re hormones and thyroid on the 7th (had to book a month ahead to get an appointment with my GP........................) and want to dazzle with normal blood pressure. So no coffee this week and lots of meditation and exercise.

Bungee Wall - my metaphor for yo-yo dieting

2010-11-09T09:19:00.000-08:00

I went through a process called 'Clean Language' with myself the other day. It is a way of creating a picture/metaphor of what is and what I would like. Doing it with myself is not that easy as having somebody else asking the questions but I came up with a great metaphor for my yo-yo weight loss experience.

I imagined one of those bungee walls where you are attached to a strong rubber band and are really excited the first time you get on it. At the end of the line, there is that dress, that look, that image I want to achieve when I have lost all the weight.

And off I go..... . Euphorically I start moving forward. The bouncy castle kind of surface is wobbly but the bungee is not stretched yet and I move forward without too many problems. Lots and LOTS of people are doing the same. Everybody has dreams and hopes to arrive at the end and claim the coveted prize of the perfect look/feel.
It gets a little harder but not impossible, some start falling down already and slight back of those some get up and move forward again and some just shake their heads and move away.

I am still there determined, but it is getting harder the further I go forward. My thoughts are not helping, it is getting harder. Outside the bungee wall people seem to be enjoying themselves effortlessly and I have to work so bloody hard.
And it is getting harder I am not only struggling with the bungee cord but with the thoughts that are holding me back.

But I have made quite some progress and my thoughts are telling me I deserve a rest. I think I can just sit down at the point I have got to and stay there. I am strong enough to keep the bungee cord in the same place. Not true......... I am starting to slight back and can not seem to find enough grip to stop the slight back. The bungee cord reverses the energy and rushes me back to not only the beginning but shoots me through the wall a little bit further back then when I had started. I feel powerless and dejected until the day I find the strength to start the whole process again.

Doing the same thing over and over again is a form of madness of course. But that is what I and so many other people do when we are dieting.

I would like to replace that picture with something better. Dragging on a bungee cord is no fun and kind of impossible in the long run. That is what I will work on this week.

Thinking about not being goal orientated

2010-11-08T07:16:00.000-08:00

I believe that the journey is more important than the arriving. I use that idea in all my businees goals. It is about doing the right thing because I can only influence the moment I am in.

A lot of successful poker players work with this concept too. Because there is a certain amount of chance involved in this game , they only judge themselves on having made the right move not the outcome. This means that even when they lose a hand or a game or money, they will be ok with it if they did the right thing. They know that if they do the right thing consistantly over a long period of time, they will win consistantly.

So why can I no apply that to losing weight, it seems only the result matters to me. Sod doing the right thing, I just want to get there and then forget about it. But that is not how it works - is it.

The only way to be successful at losing weight AND, more importantly, keeping it off after is to do the right thing consistantly day in, day out. And really enjoying the process / the journy! How fab would I feel every evening if I believed that whatever the result, that I have done/ate/drank/thought the right thing for myself.

I am starting to realise that that is the key to getting off the Diet roundabout.

Goals are the lighthouses to keep my on the right way during my journey. But it is the step I take right now that matters.

Concepts like 'I will start my diet next Monday after pigging out on my birthday', getting frustrated with plateaus, constanly weighing myself simply fall away.

The question is: What is the next small step I am able to take right now to take me towards my goal.

1001 days in its proper place

2010-06-07T12:56:00.000-07:00

http://dayzeroproject.com/user/Doris

wohoo we have got a home and I took out the doubles I must have gotten overexcited about. Maybe I should put in some small things to do...........

thinking

thinking hard

naaaaaaaaaaa doesn't suit me really :)

14th February 2013 -part III

2010-05-31T12:59:00.000-07:00

40. Visit every free museum in London
41. Go to three art gallery events ........or gasp......... have my own event (not art gallery)?
42. Complete the series of 13 sardine tins I have started ( 2 done)
43. Have a walking holiday in Snowdonia
44. Six director meetings for our business in fab places (1. Austria June 10)
45. Take Mum on holiday
46. Re-design the front of the house so it finally looks nice
47. Go to *top secret* with G
48. Paint the chest of drawers, table & chairs in my studio
49. Use up ALL the paper, projects and embellishments in my studio *gulp*
50. Hold a couple of amazing garden parties

Maybe I will not get to the 101 things so quickly, they will reveal themselves when it is their time. Plenty to do in those 50 to keep me out of trouble...........

14th February 2013 -part II

2010-05-24T13:46:00.000-07:00

Been thinking about it a bit more and perhaps have been getting slightly braver with my ideas

28. Have been a member of two design teams for cool companies
29. Complete 100 pushups course
30. Take 2 flying lessons
31. Do a hand stand
32. Learn to crawl (as in swimming not robbing around on the floor)
33. Finally be able to do a header into the water
34. Make my own stencils for my canvases
35. Sell canvases for £ 100+
36. Stay at the Peacock Pavilions in Marakesh http://www.peacockpavilions.com
37. Attend the Rubber Ball wearing something outrageous
38. Complete the squads course
39. 10 Squads with 50kg weight on bar

This is soooo much fun and I have no idea where the rest of them are going to come from, but they will

14th February.2013

2010-05-20T15:06:00.000-07:00

That is exactly 1001 days from today. Cute!

Now obviously I have got this thing about 1001 actions, so it was no big step to go to 1001 days next.

WoW, what could I do/have achieved in 1001 days?? Apart from making and giving G his Valentine's present of course :)

So I wanted to work out what the date would be 1001 days from today. 'Shiver my timbers' it is Valentines Day 2013. Complete coincidence but way cool because it is a memorable date.

and I should have a list to go with it I guess.......... and that is scary because I have not done any long term goal setting for some time. After the mind blowing success of the last one (about 14 years ago, setting a 10 year goal which I smashed and am still living the dream) I am worried that nothing can match what I have achieved already. But here goes the start of a 101 things to do list:

1. Transform our garden into a feature
2. I have earned £ 500.000
3. I volunteer 300 hours
4. I spend a night in the dessert again
5. I do something special for my 50th birthday
6. I can do some impressive yoga moves (will want a video as evidence)
7. I hold a casual french conversation on holiday
8. I play the piano beautifully to entertain (not bore) our party guests
9. We grow more of our own veg every year
10. I am grateful for every one of the 1001 days
11. I got low carb and hit and reduce body fat to 19%
12. I have my a photo shoot AND enjoy it
13. We have brilliant fun at the rubber ball or similar
14. I let my hair down *code* ;)
15. I have an exhibition with my sardine cans (commenting on current affairs of course)
16. I read 300 books (May '10: The Secret Garden, Living Primal,)
17. I write an business/personal development article every day for a whole year (May '10: 31 yeah)
18. I paint 150 canvases (May '10: 4)
19. Publish one book
20. Write five free e-courses
21. Straighten my teeth
22. Have been member of two design teams
23. Be a published artist
24. Have an open fireplace somewhere
25. Sold 500 handmade 'diaries' (using the term loosely)
26. Teleseminar leader course has sold in 20 languages
27. Trained the puppies to be sniffer dogs
ermmm... .. there will be more

Day 354 + 15 steps Perfectionsists unite!

2010-05-16T02:13:00.001-07:00

I have changed my life this year when I stopped trying to take big huge steps.

My inner perfectionist just did not like it and she sometimes even managed to make me do nothing at all instead of getting my stuff done. She is a scary woman, very thorough and relentless.

Since I decided to take small steps - I started with my work - she seems no longer to mind and is even cheering me on. I have become quite prolific in my output, to levels I have never experienced before.

And I am loving it. There is no more internal dialogue, no wanting to dust the ornaments instead of working. I wake up and can not wait to get going, any obstacle is simply that, an obstacle. It is not longer the big scary monster that pops up and spoils the party and I get scared and give up.

Obstacles do no longer hold power over me, sometimes I know immediatly what to do to get round one, sometimes it takes a while. But round them I go!

I have started recording these little steps towards my health goal once before and it was ok, but somehow I never believed that I could go ALL the way. Now that I have learned so much about how I seem to tick, I am restarting and going for it.

At the moment I can not, or maybe dare not, speak out my short term WoWgoal . I know my long term WoW goal ist being FFF (fit, fun and flexible) at 86. And my current project is to get my thyroid under control and some weight loss. But I just can not say what my goal for the end of the year is, because I am not sure how to get there exactly. A case of premature practicalty!

Will get round it, I am sure

Day 356 + 2 steps

2010-05-14T06:55:00.000-07:00

Had to be part of a photo shoot on Monday. It was not THAT bad. When the (fat) photographer asked me at one point to pull in my belly I could even see the hilarity in the situation

What did he think I was doing there whilst hardly breathing? Pulling in ones belly is obviously top priority! Duuuh

Anyway today begins another journey of 1001 steps which should take me about 356 days.

I have been diagnosed with Grave's Disease which is an autimune disease and I am trying to avoid having my thyroid removed. I like my thyroid, we have been together for a long time. It is not her fault that the disease creates anti-bodies which attack her. Being a sensitive kind of soul, her and her mate the pituitary gland go bananas and the results are not pleasant.

I am, with medication, nearly stable again but not fit to run a marathon quite yet - actually had to cancel our 100km challenge in under 30 hours. That was pretty difficult!

Now I am adding some herbal remedies, strength exercises, 10.000 steps a day and a low carb diet.

One year on

2010-04-21T02:05:00.000-07:00

Long time no write and soooooooooo much has happened. Lost a lot of the weight I had been hankering after for so long. Yeah to me!

But I also ended up beginning of January in Accident & Emergency with a pulse of 190 and irregular heart beat, hooked up to every monitor they had. I was 2 seconds away from them stopping my heart with an injection to stabilize it. My heart decided last minute to slow down and avoid that moment. SCARY

I have now been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease called 'Graves disease' which attacks the thyroid with antibodies and the thyroid in turn goes overactive. Not a pleasant experience and a lesson to me to take full responsibility for my health. Armed with the right knowledge I could have avoided this toxic episode and saved my body (and G.) lots of stress. 20/20 hindsight vision......

Apart from that I am happier than I have ever, ever been. I have a whole family with one fab husband and two mad Springer Spaniel puppies who keep me entertained and grounded. Business has taken off and my self-belief is at an all time high. FAB!

Focus

2009-05-24T10:54:00.000-07:00

I have been twittering on about my new mindset. The old one was not working because my thinking is still screwed up around my weight........ I know, I know, I have been talking about it long enough. But there is nothing wrong with using a different focus. I found this story and love it

An old Cherokee was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, "A battle is raging inside me ... it is a terrible fight between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego. The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The old man fixed the children with a firm stare. "This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too."

They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?" The old Cherokee replied: "The one you feed." ~

Loss

2009-05-20T02:55:00.000-07:00

Today is the first time my weight has moved downwards in ages. Doctor just confirmed that my thyroid has slipped into under active but I will have to wait for medication until I see the specialist. She was also concerned about my Cortisol levels which were elevated. She called it the fat hormone which holds on to fat.

Considering that I put on weight on our 500 mile walk when I slipped into under active thyroid function, it is no surprise that I have not lost and quite an achievement that I did not put much on.

So I am just going to carry on doing what I am doing and be proud of my achievement without making the outcome (read weight loss) a condition to carry on or evidence of success.

The first 100 of my 1001 actions

2009-04-30T08:18:00.001-07:00

It took me a little longer than I thought and it stopped me from blogging but if I will carry on feeling like I have been feeling, this is so worth doing and I will do it in other parts of my life.

Keeping track of my actions towards my goal works much better for me than affirmations (actions speak louder than words??). I am scanning my day for positive things I have done so I can record them and I will actually think about my next actions because I like seeing the numbers go up. Twittering works great for the recording part and I can see them under search.twitter.com #1001actions

The result of the first month is simply stunning. I feel AMAZING – not all the time but right now and that is good enough. Not everything has gone to plan and there is room for improvement but as I am only 10% into it, there is much space & time to get better. If it gets any better I am going to burst and that won't be pretty J Just kidding of course. On on into May

Gotta be happy without it first

2009-04-07T14:25:00.001-07:00

I maintained that about having that special person in your life. First you need to be happy and comfortable living with yourself, by yourself. And THEN you go out and find that dream boy or girl. Their job is not to complete you and fulfil your needs, their role is to complement and enhance what you have already got. So many people do it the other way round and if the person does not perfectly fit, they set about trying to change them. That never works out very well! So I am good at that significant other thing, always had one when I wanted one and was content on my own too. Eventually I bagged myself a really special one for keeps. Lucky me.

Figures that I would use the same tried, tested and proven successful methodology for that very special relationship with myself.............. *silence*............................................. *embarrassed shifting from foot to foot*.................................................................

Obviously I can not live without myself; that would be just plain stupid. But this 'trying to change myself' thing has probably always been a bit out of hand. Nothing wrong with self improvement, in fact I would not want to live without seeking knowledge, insights and new perspectives. But I have never been good at being happy with myself as is. I have always thought I should do better and never lived up to my own exceedingly high expectations. Nothing wrong with trying to achieve high targets or mastering difficult subjects either. Beating me up over the invariably existing gap is silly though. In fact, I know that I am somebody who thrives on praise and encouragement. I have a lot of natural drive and am definitely a carrot girl. If somebody uses the stick method on me, they simply will not get my best. In response, I just make myself smaller and smaller and that destroys my spirit and sucks the enthusiasm out of me. So why do I like most people think that I have to be hard on myself to get better?

I have improved a lot and have sort of come to terms with the fact that I will never be perfect. These things all help me to raise my awareness:

Being grateful for everything in my life
Simply deciding to be happy
Forgiving
EFT
Exercise
'No complaining' project

1001 Actions

74. Tapping every day – and need to get back to the eye improvement project too

75. Juiced on Sunday

76. Made crackers from the juice pulp (delicious!!)

77. A gentle work out with my trainer

78. Giggled with my friends

79. Hurrah – I think I have finally got an exfoliating routine going

80. 3 km treadmill hilly walk

1001 actions

2009-04-06T02:43:00.001-07:00

We walked 500 miles from Bavaria to London – our two year anniversary of the start of this journey is coming up at the end of this month. We did not walk 500 miles, actually we walked one mile 500 times. I power phrased this from something I read by Stu Mittleman who set a world record for the 1,000-mile endurance run. He said:

"I never ran 1,000 miles! I can't even conceive of running 1,000 miles. All I did was run one mile a thousand times.

He also said:

"If you just keep moving, sooner or later the finish line will show up."
STU MITTLEMAN

After our epic walk (well it was epic to us – I am not comparing us to anybody else, which is another good lesson!) I wrote:

But back to the question of what will I do with this experience; when I was younger I never let myself be stopped by any kind of barrier or hurdle. I was so good at the 'head down and go through anything' thing. The walk showed me that I have not lost it and on top of that I have got fantastic support in G to do ANYTHING (he is very indulgent!)

I do not think I have cashed in on that potential yet. Now that my health and hormones (if you are out there, I deserve a permanent break on the latter) are back to good levels I feel like going for it again in a more orderly fashion. Really am enjoying the recording of my actions towards my health goal (which I am very close to be able to verbalise) and will use this in other parts of my life too.
It is so easy to forget the ups and downs of any journey. But this record will always remind me and I can recommend the practise highly!

Being really really good at something needs practise and time. This is true for most people on most subjects – if you are lucky and are a genius in one area of your life, good for you! But you still got to work on the rest like everybody else. And yes, sometimes there are quick fixes but most of the time there aren't any. Sorry if I am destroying a whole industry of 'in three minutes..... in a week' success books, videos, got the T-shirt.

I am just asking myself the question, how many hours do I need to invest to be fit, flexible and healthy on my 50^th birthday? How many to be the same on my 70^th birthday? This is where my health goal seems to be gravitating to. I want to be a fit bendy chick growing old with fun and grace – wow; this is really resonating with me so much more than losing 40 pounds, going all tingly over it actually. Sometimes it is good to write out loud!

1001 actions

64. First real organic salad dinner of the year accompanied by my hand made bread. Yummy!

65. Talking about bread, I worked out how to have it in the house and live with it like a normal person who does not have a fresh bread fetish. I make the dough, divide it into rolls and freeze them. When I want one I need to bake it. I really need to want one to do throw the oven on.

66. Thanks G ;) it is like falling of a horse, one has got to get back into the saddle. What took me so long????

67. Put some seeds into trays. I adore growing plants – there is something very Zen about looking after growing plants.

68. Did a lot of EFT tapping around my questionable body image

69. Slept through twice in a row – no pain when I am horizontal. Hurrah!!

70. Got my health goal / vision in my head and heart

71. First work out on my own – LOVED it. Another back in the saddle and I was kind to myself and took it easy

72. Acupuncture session

73. I have got that loooooving feeling – delicious!

Crutches

2009-04-03T13:59:00.001-07:00

Standing up in life and being counted without crutches – is it possible? I gave up my career crutch over 12 years ago and whilst I am still limping slightly I have discovered the most wonderful rich personal life. I visualised it about 14 years ago and it came true nearly exactly the way I had visualised it. What I refer to as my limp is my still not particularly successful role as an entrepreneur and money earner – but I rather have a wonderful personal life than a glittering career rise as an entrepreneur. Perhaps one day I find a way of having both without the pitfalls I had experienced before I handed in my notice.

I gave up my smoking crutch about 8 years ago. Smoking fulfilled all sorts of imaginary needs which then where feeling very real to me but today I no longer can relate to. Nearly four months ago I gave up my drinking crutch. As it is not so long ago, I can remember that I had a need for a glass or five to help me relax better in the evening and I have also always connected having a drink with having a good time. Where I stand now, I find it quite easy to relax in the evening without alcohol. I am not very keen anymore on alcohol fogging my brain and clouding my thought processes. What I am still missing though is the way alcohol made me feel less inhibited – I really want to work on that. As you might imagine, there are some pretty strong beliefs connected to that subject. Acting uninhibited sober – involuntary shudders are running down my spine just thinking it!!!

And there are a couple of other crutches I have my eye on – watching television and the amount of time I spend on my computer for example. Food is also still on the agenda, whilst I have done a lot of work in that area, I discovered another couple of 'issues' concerning the connection of my emotions with certain types of foods. But one day at a time, I have not been doing badly!

What are your crutches?

1001 actions (I know, just could not resist! I love the story of 1001 nights)

I tried to twitter my actions but that threw me out of the rhythm of writing them down – perhaps I got all shy about it. Have to catch up; there are lots I will have missed. So in no particular order:

56. Went for the first in a series of acupuncture treatments (based on Chinese five elements) and I made it through the session. Let's just say that there were two needles which had to be placed in very, very sensitive spots..................

57. Went for a great mixed media art weekend and had fun

58. Re-defined my creative mojo after watching this TED video – I have no problem with the idea of creative fairies in my life

59. Did a very careful workout with my trainer

60. Sat in the garden and sunned myself today. Not a child, lawn mower or the neighbours yapping dogs disturbed the sound of birds and spring

61. Created a new body image affirmation and working myself through they 'Yeah – buts' with EFT

62. G and I did my favourite forest walk on Wednesday

63. Been keeping up with my daily dose of herbs

I am back

2009-03-23T02:24:00.001-07:00

But slightly moderated following the events from last week! I can not push it this week, gotta have fun and take it easy. My body gave me a big wake up call about pushing and forcing myself – she does not like it. Stuborn as a mule!

So I have my fun for today sorted and am working on tomorrows. It is amazing what comes when I am forced to let go. The question of the day is: Would you still be enthuiastic and passionate about your project if you knew you would not achieve your goal. In other words, how important would just being on the journey be to you? Obviously some would say that you would be a fool doing something which you know would not get you to your goal. Achieving goals, hitting the mark, getting good grades is highliy priced in our society and nothing else is really rewarded. But what if you started your project anyway and touched people on the way, improved lives or just had fun, enjoyed the moment rather than anticipating the sweet gifts success could bring you one day, did the right thing even though it will not get you closer to your goal.............

I like this shift in perspective!

1000 Actions

44. For the first time this year we had breakfast in our sunny garden. Gorgeous!

45. I am being so grateful that I can move again without pain

46. Started a course of herbs to help my hormonal and adrenal inbalances

47. Booked a session with a new local accupuncturist who uses a very intruiging method

48. I let go of everything for a week

49. Know now what I want to do for volunteering

50. Had Domino's Pizza *yummmmmmm*

51. Biathlon season is nearly over – loved watching it all winter. Brilliant sport!

52. Marking three months without alcohol and am still not missing it. What have I done?????? Really am enjoying it though.

53. Learned to sleep flat on my back which is supposed to be the best position for a good nights rest.

54. Started to twitter

Doing nothing

2009-03-19T03:44:00.001-07:00

All or nothing girl was forced to do nothing by a muscle she tore on her lower rib cage. It started out not so bad, perhaps a bit of overuse by all the weight exercises but then a side plank gave it the rest and the muscle decided it had had it. It got progressively worse to the point when only laying flat in bed was without pain. Even the strongest pain killers would not touch the spasms in my muscle and getting up was for a day or so simply not a pleasant option.

As I am writing this, I am of course much better again thanks to some anti-inflammatory drugs, *yikes* Tarmazipan (also known as Valium!!) which is used as a muscle relaxant in severe cases and my wonderful nurse G who had looked forward to a nice week off work but was instead having to watch me struggle to do the simplest movements, feed me, be my drug dealer and was just lovely and caring. I will have to take it much easier for a while with my training. This is kind of apt as I am wrestling with what moderation means to me. I am going to find out as doing nothing is not an option when I get a bit better

This whole episode seems symptomatic of how coiled up and rigid (I did not want to say uptight) I am. The physiotherapist I saw nearly fell over laughing when she checked out my posture in profile. My shoulders up to my ears, one higher than the other, they are pushed forward, my weak stomach muscles accentuate the whole thing because my bum is sticking out too much and I hollow my spine...... you get the picture. Whilst I was lying here unable to move much I was contemplating what it would be like if I would take life much easier and lighter without trying and pushing too hard, just having fun. Aided by valium that did not seem such a difficult thing to do – I am about to get my morning medication and will continue that train of thought.........

Mostly I am grateful for what has happened. It is the eye opener I perhaps needed and I kept reminding myself how many people can not get out of bed unaided. Not just for one day but for the rest of their lives. All I needed was a couple of tablets and a bit of time and I will be back to my old self. How lucky am I!

I did some actions for my 1000 action list, which I really enjoy recording and the goal has become a little clearer this week. When I can remember the actions I will record them

No complaining

2009-03-13T06:18:00.001-07:00

I made it for one day without complaining – mainly because I did not talk to many people and did not leave the house. I am telling you that this is pretty hard! G and I are constantly questioning each other about what we say – is it a statement to say the weather is crap or is it a complaint? I think the idea is not to concentrate on /talk about the things which we have no power to change. So whilst stating that the weather is crap is factual it also is not very helpful as a stand alone statement. So what? ....... All it is going to lead to is a whinge about the weather.

G has got not much to do at work at the moment – he is between projects. Given that he gets paid pretty well for doing nothing there should not be anything to complaint but it is, but there is. Just earning money is not enough when you go up Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Or look at me, I am in a very very very lucky position where I do not HAVE to earn any money and can stay at home. I feel very privileged but certainly do not act like it in my head and enjoy it for what it is.

There are so many people in this world that do not have their basic physiological and safety needs met – THAT is a reason to complaint but I suspect most of them do not.

Feeling very sorry for myself because I have pulled a muscle in my back in Tuesday's training session and aggravated it in yesterday's session, today I find it hard to move so I ate the rest of the cookies whilst feeling sorry for myself. There, I said it! I am resetting my no complaining week starting from tomorrow morning because I suspect I will still feel all whiny tonight

I suspect it will take me some time to complete that week of no complaining. The trick to succeed is very likely to be a change of perspective.

1000 Actions

12.03

38. EFT improving eye-sight experiment wk 3 day 1 (week two exercises did not speak to me)

39. Work out hard with my trainer

40. I left physiotherapist with both shoulders strapped in tape to show me what 'the right posture' feels like

41. Had a giggle with one of my sisters. They are both amazing and I am grateful for being close to them

13.03

42. I always mix any juice with water at a ratio of 1 part juice, 2 parts water

43. I wrote my first review on Amazon and I just saw that it got published

In moderation

2009-03-12T02:16:00.001-07:00

I have proven over and over in my life that I can start doing things and stop doing things but moderation? Nope, moderation eludes me. You can...... but only sometimes. I do not think humans are build for moderation. Human survival is not build on moderation nor is our history.

This is the conscious / unconscious thing again. You decide to start doing something and have to remind yourself consciously that you need to do it and then eventually it becomes unconscious. Trigger – action. Or you stop doing something. Again at the beginning you consciously have to stop yourself from acting on your trigger and eventually the trigger no longer leads to the action. Both are relatively easy after a bit of struggle and as far as I am concerned the only way to go with addictive substance – you do them or you do not, for 99% of people there is no alternative.

But doing something sometimes? What am I asking of myself here? Let's say our 'thing' is chocolate cake. Think of, smell, or see chocolate cake and either move hell and earth to get to it or ignore it. That is why gaining and losing weight is relatively easy too; most people have managed it at least once or twice in their lives. What do I do with moderation? Sometimes I have it and sometimes I do not? Trigger comes and I can not use standard reaction of either do or do not. I have to make a decision every time which means I have to be present and aware of my options and emotions at that very moment. Sounds like hard work to me! And that is why I and million of others never manage to keep hold of our weight loss.

I have bought this box of cookies yesterday with this in mind. I do not often buy cookies and chocolates - if they are not in the house I do not need or crave them. That is my standard 'NOT doing it' and pretty easy. However, the box of cookies is now in the house and my thoughts go to it often. My problem is that I am the ultimate 'All or Nothing girl'. If I start eating it, I will finish eating it in one go. Yesterday I did not open the box – a little harder than not having it in the house but again a NOT doing it.

The experiment will be to open the box and have up to and no more than one (1!) cookie a day and enjoy it. The box should last about 9 days. Really the experiment should not be restrained by one (1!) cookie a day. It should be: open box, eat whenever you feel like it. But I am giving myself a break here and am setting up a little scaffolding to hold on to. The important thing is being present and honest each day I make the cookie decision.

1000 Actions

10.03

33. Work out with trainer and did some good running I was well pleased with

34. Book physiotherapy session for my painful shoulder

35. EFT Improving eye-sight experiment wk 2 day 2 & eye exercises

(Had to start over with 'no complaining' experiment – did not even make it half a day)

11.03.

36. EFT Improving eye-sight experiment wk 2 day 3 & eye exercises

37. Finished SuperCoach by my favourite coach Michael Neill and can highly recommend it

Surprises

2009-03-10T00:49:00.001-07:00

We are back from G's birthday weekend surprise which I had so so much fun organising. Had him fooled all the way with plenty of red herrings (making up stories and sticking with them seems to come frighteningly easy to me J ) He had such a good time seeing one of the favourite people in his world and Phil was a star looking after us. If I get a picture of the sign Phil had made for our imaginary 'Tuff Guise' Highland Adventure Company I will post it here. It was our last red herring at Aberdeen airport and did its job brilliantly.

1000 Actions

05.03

18. Finally going on surprise trip, keeping G fooled for most of the day, having so much fun with it myself and seeing his joy. Presents do not have to be expensive, it is the thought that is put in that counts and creates memories which last (alright, I bought him a snazzy small video camera too)

19. Training with my trainer (she is trying to make my legs ache, other trainers have tried and failed where only the first weeks of our 500 miles have made any impression) and she bought into the burst training thing and is going to support me

20. Gotta put this down as an action because it makes such a difference to the flight – watched like a hawk the time for the online check- in to start and bagged us best seats in the house (well plane) TWICE

21. EFT Improving eye-sight experiment wk1 day 6 & eye exercises – I can feel some improvements sometimes

06.03

22. Walked on the beach in brilliant sunshine. The light in Scotland IS amazing and I would love to live close enough to a beach to do this often

23. Enjoyed the birthday dinner in a good restaurant, the high light was red cabbage finished with chocolate. Must try that myself - divine

24. Listen to G's & P's renditions of bad songs of the 70's and 80's all the way home from the restaurant and had a warm fuzzy glow

07.03

25. EFT Improving eye-sight experiment wk 2 day 1 & eye exercises

26. Phil gave me a copy of a most wonderful poem that spoke to me strongly

27. Am rather pleased with myself that drinking alcohol was not an option I was interested in all weekend

08.03

28. Loved coming back home and am so so grateful for our house. It is so quiet and light and works well for the two of us

09.03 Week 2

29. Went to doctor to find a way of removing whatever is blocking my weight loss, left with a prescription for a hormone and thyroid blood test and a pad on the back for what I have been doing

30. Went for my very first professional fitting for running shoes

31. Had blood test done

32. Started a little competition with G that we can not complain/whine/be ungenerous out loud for one week. If we are we have to start the week over. We started yesterday afternoon but had to restart several times already

Acknowledgement

2009-03-04T04:28:00.001-08:00

That is something I fail to give myself on a regular basis. I know I started my 1000 actions project on 01.03 but I have been taking focused and persistent (which can be something I give up on easily) action since beginning of January. It was not a New Years resolution but 6 months had past from my operation and I felt strong and mended enough to get rid of that weird animal that is sitting on my stomach and I have no control over (the operation left me with very unresponsive stomach muscles and no feeling in the middle of my stomach).

Got myself a trainer and have worked out with her twice a week since then. I also do another two workouts a week by myself. I have recorded my food intake and been very very honest. And I have tried not to go on a diet as such but change what I eat and see what impact it has. I have been through a macrobiotic phase and mainly protein phase. None of it really suits me and I just do not want to be on a diet. I want to be free, take it or leave it and not worry that I will put on weight as soon as I put food in my mouth. So I guess I have been eating quite intuitively but looking at the results concerning carb, fat and protein percentages and also vitamins and mineral. I am also still not drinking any alcohol, my little 'aversion exercise' worked amazingly well and I have had zero desire for any kind of alcohol, even if it sits right in front of me. My recorded average calorie intake is 1350 per day since beginning of January, so put on another 150 calories for all the things I have not gotten completely right when writing them down and I am at 1500 calories a day. I am really proud of these things and give myself an official pad on the back.

The only fly in the ointment is that I have not been rewarded with weight loss. Yes the scales moved a smidgen this week and I was ecstatic. But that was the first movement in a month and about 1 lb. I have lost some centimetres from around my waist but that is just about it. My sister said I have a body build for famine and she is probably right. I am brilliant at holding on! Is it mental? Is it physical? I have no idea but I am not giving up doing what I am doing.

14. Burst training

15. EFT Improving eye-sight experiment wk1 day 5 & eye exercises

16. Indulged my shower & bath gel fetish and tried my new Mimosa from Philosophy (very subtle can hardly detect the smell, but it is a brilliant body wash and shampoo)

17. Acknowledged what I have achieved in the last two months (feels pretty good and it confirms that I should not measure my success by what the scales say)

Improving my eye sight

2009-03-03T05:51:00.001-08:00

It is quite frightening how steadily my eye sight has been getting worse. Hate it! But I also thought I could not do anything about reducing the decline, stopping it or *gasp* improving it. I have decided on a little experiment of EFT tapping - I am working through a 6 week programme 'Improve your eye sight with EFT' by Dr. Carol Look.

And I am also doing some eye exercises every day which turn out to be great fun. I was able to find lots of examples on YouTube.

I have felt a definite decline in my eye sight in the last 3 months again and my aim is to not having to get a stronger prescription on my next eye check up end of April. The *WOW* would of course be to reduce my prescription. There are lots of 'buts' and 'impossibles' coming up for me as soon as I think about an improvement so I will not dwell on that. The thing about EFT is that one does not have to believe in it for it to work so I am rolling with 'What is the worst that could happen?' The answer is 'It didn't work and I have to increase my prescription anyway'

1000 Actions

02.03

6. EFT Improving eye-sight experiment wk1 day 4 & eye exercises

7. Had a massage

8. Completed my Fit Day records

9. 10 minutes trampoline

03.03.

10. 90 minutes work out with trainer

11. Decided to stop bitching about my new haircut and embrace it. It is so much easier to deal with when doing a lot of sweaty work outs

12. EFT Improving eye-sight experiment wk1 day 5 & eye exercises

13. Did an emberassing happy dance after the scales FINALLY moved in the right direction (been working on this event for a month)

1000 day plan and 1000 actions - I am going to be 50 (hopefully)

2009-03-01T05:41:00.000-08:00

G and I were talking this morning about age. I am priding myself on not looking 46. Had my hair chopped off this week (big step as I used my long hair to hide behind) and whilst I am not completely thrilled with it (nowhere to hide anymore!!) I also think it makes me look EVEN younger. But I realised that I am going to be 50 and about 1250 days *YOWSER*

What better time to start my 1000 day plan and kick it off with 1000 actions towards health, strength and feeling vibrant in my 50's. We did a 500 mile walk for G's 50th birthday, God knows what I am going to dream up for my 50th birthday celebrations. Actually I already know one thing I would like to do. I want to organise a very special cruise for and with the many wonderful women I know who will also be turning 50 in 2012.

I do not have a plan with specific goals at the moment other than the words/feeling of health, strength and vibrancy. I am more and more of the opinion that in particular life goals benefit from being kept 'loose' as the emphasis should be more on what I am actually doing today and enjoying it than what I will have/be at the end of it. Life is unpredictable and it gets very frustrating when it decides to get in the way of my carefully laid out plans. I have done enough 'beating myself up' to last several life times and want to reduce that rather than add more pressure on myself. The goal will reveal itself in due time if there is something specific to be achieved. My 1000 days plan is about living today and taking action for my benefit.

I do not have an exact plan for my 1000 actions either. One action could take hours, another seconds. They are all initiated by something I actually have done on that day. Giving somebody a spontaneous hug could be an action. Doing a 10km long walk could be another. Just taking time to be grateful for something is also highly acceptable :)

To count on the 'Mind over Batter' list they just need to contribute to my health, strength and vibrancy. I am sure that the emphasis will change over time, at the moment my mind is set on working out, improving my eye sight and finding a balanced diet that is making me feel good. 20 actions a week would be good but hey, who is counting?

1. Did 15 mins burst training (a new discovery and I am LOVING it)
2. Loved eating a brown bread roll (baked by yours truly with organic ingredients) for breakfast
3. Pushed 25 kg weights x 12 (personal record)
4. Found a fantastic site with reasonably price natural skin care
5. EFT Improving eye-sight experiment wk1 day 3

Another New Year

2009-01-19T02:51:00.000-08:00

Kind of an anniversary here. I have been struggling with my weight for another year, recorded some of it publicly and ended weighing a little more than I started when I began this blog. It is a result - just not the one I wanted. I am amazingly chilled about it though which might have to do with the EFT tapping I have been doing. I will do even more as somebody has offered me some coaching just at the right time for me. I was thinking that I might be more effective working one to one with somebody.

I have also engaged a personal trainer who is going to kick my backside twice a week until March. It is the year of getting others to help me. I am a great one for wanting to do everything myself, be it here or in my business. Not this year - this year I am going to farm out a lot of the things I am rubbish at (the list is long!) and concentrate on what I am good at (luckily that list is not too short either).

My commitment is to get G into gainful employment working from home. Part of our contract negotiations is that I promise not to pester him before 12 noon as we have such different rhythms. I am up to 100 miles an hour within minutes of getting up - he needs an hour or two to get going.

The other news is that I have not touched a drop of alcohol since that fateful day in December when I did the aversion technique on myself whilst driving somewhere in the car. I describe it here The 'food' I chose to work with happened to be wine because I had decided I wanted to drink less regularly. So off I went in my mind to fill that spittoon outside this very busy Wild West saloon. And fill it they did! I imagined all those big yellow and green blobs swimming around ............................

Then I mentally washed the wine bottles in the spittoon. I have done this before and whilst gruesome, the picture fated very quickly and did not stick. But this time I suddenly felt myself shudder and I had to stop my mental movie, concentrating on driving again.

I had put a bottle of champagne in the fridge the next day to celebrate the start of G's Christmas break and our very own office party. I even put the bottle on the table in a wine cooler without a thought. But when it came to opening the bottle, I really did not want it and we put back into the fridge. Following that experience, I did not drink all the way through Christmas and New Years Eve parties.

When I used to think of wine, all sorts of pleasant associations used to come up like relaxation, nice taste, fun, laughter........ Now when I think of wine, there is nothing, nada, zero. My mind is just blank and there is no emotional reaction. Of course I had to test it and got G to open a bottle of wine for me over Christmas. That is when I got a negative emotion pulling me away and I never touched the full glass in front of me. During our New Years break with friends I had a glass of gin & tonic in front of me and sipped from it a couple of times. It tasted nice enough but I just did not want it and poured most of it down the sink.

It is very similar to giving up smoking actually, only that I had physical withdrawal symptoms to deal with when I stopped smoking. I am not sure how long I want it to last - at the moment it is just perfect the way it is and I am not feeling deprived or like I am missing something. I am just in awe how powerful my mind can control this. Makes me think what other things I unconsciously have learned to have an aversion to and my mind keeps me away from .........

Day eleven

2008-11-07T01:57:00.001-08:00

This will be the last of the day to day reports for now. I am always swinging between thinking too much about my food choices or too little. What I am going to continue with is juicing vegetables. I am also much more conscious about eating meat. I did try some chicken yesterday and I could have easily lived without. More soon!!!!

Day nine and ten

2008-11-06T00:56:00.001-08:00

The last two days can only be described with one word: HUNGRY

Very unusual for me I was even hungry when I woke up and the only thing that will do in that state is CARBS. Here is the list of foods consumed over the last two days:

Day 9

1 juice made the day before

Sauerkraut and Mehlkloss (its a kind of dumpling I made myself)

Pea and Potato soup

Packet of Rye Bread (there must be 6 slices in that packet)

Day 10
1 juice from the same batch (leaving them one day is pushing it, on the second day I do not get that 'I had a drink of goodness feeling' anymore

stir fried noodles and veg

2 pieces of apple cake

tin of chick peas as a snack

Wine

Phew....................... this morning I woke up and at least was not hungry anymore. It may have been related to hormones, I used to get terrible cravings. Back to juice and soup for the next two days, which really is a pleasure as long as I do not feel hungry.

Week two of the juice fest

2008-11-04T00:50:00.000-08:00

I decided to up the ante and add some exercise. I had bought a Tae Boe DVD and tried it out yesterday - it is brilliant fun. Lots of shadow boxing and kicking with great instructions and high energy. This is my first real exercise other than walking since the operation and I did not quite make it without a break through the first video but that is OK. Actually I tried some weight lifting a month ago, but it was too early for my poor stomach muscles. I can not wait until I am strong enough again to get back to my weights.

Today I had:

Oven chips low fat with a guacamole (YUMMY!!)

Juice of cucumber, beetroot, watercress (give the juice some spicy oomph), carrots, celery and apples.

Still doing a lot of mind work and will write more about that soon. I am feeling very balanced and ready to do anything, most importantly I have found the believe again that I CAN do it.

Day seven

2008-11-03T03:58:00.000-08:00

So I have done my week and give myself a 92% success rate.

I did not feel deprived, hungry or had any mad cravings.
I did not feel the need to cheat when sober which I luckily was the majority of time
I drank more vegetable juice than I thought I would be able to.
I thought I could try this for another week.

Today I had:

3x Juice of cabbage (could not taste it but made me feel terribly virtuous), cucumber, parsley, beetroots, carrots, pears and a couple of apples - very good and the crisps from the pulp are very good too

Soup of peas, potatoes, broccoli and mint
piece of soda bread

The only supplements I am taking are one fish oil and a couple of Chlorella tablets.

Day six

2008-11-02T04:39:00.000-08:00

So I woke up with a shocking hang-over no surprises there then. Instead of beating myself up I went straight back in the saddle and had a juice left over from yesterdays batch plus some very delicious and super crispy crisps I had forgotten to take out of the dehydrator. I am going to leave them all much longer from now on. They have hardly any calories because it is only the fiber left over from juicing - a brilliant snack. Will start to have to hide them from G because he likes them very much too ;)

Today I had:

juice from yesterdays batch

the last of the pumpkin soup with chickpeas
a piece of soda bread

baked potato and baked beans

There have been some 'wind issues' for the last couple of days. I guess all that fibre is shocking my body. But what is more interesting is how I do not feel any cravings for anything and how I have been able to not go mad on the bread I have in the freezer. Pretty proud of myself actually.

Day five

2008-11-01T03:41:00.000-07:00

Felt the pearl barley I had eaten the night before - not in a bad way. Just knew I had eaten it and did not wake up as upbeat as I had the day before. I am so glad we have that wonderful juicer and the dehydrator is being put to work every day now. On the trip to Germany we also bought a wooden grain mill which actually is not a mill but it flattens the grain kernels and out come rolled oats, wheat etc. We also bought a big bag of grains and G made a muesli mix with some coconut shavings and dried fruit and it is DELICIOUS. I will experiment with drying different fruits over the coming weeks. It is really nice to know that there is nothing else in the food you are eating - we checked and it is amazing what they add to dried fruit you can buy from the supermarket.

Today I had:

Juice of cucumber, pears, apple, parsley, ginger and lots of celery - very nice!

Pumpkin soup with chick peas

A piece of apple cake

so far so good ........... then I got tempted into having quite a lot of

Grape juice, fermented and that let on to me sneaking

A small burger from the fridge

I am really feeling the effects this morning but we had a fun night. No regrets

on on

Day four

2008-10-31T03:41:00.000-07:00

I was in very good spirits all day and wide awake. The clay bath has an unusual texture, it seems very drying so I added some bubbles. I am continuing with this experiment quite happily. I do not seem to have too many cravings.

Today I had:

2x Juice of beetroots (raw!) courgettes, parsley, lime (threw in the whole thing - ewwww), carrots, celery ............ interesting but drinkable

Pumpkin soup, some soda bread and butter

A bowl of pineapple chunks

and at 9 pm I got really hungry and had some of the pearl barley risotto I had made for G and very nice it was too!

Day three

2008-10-30T02:06:00.001-07:00

A busy day being a domestic goddess and a visit of a lovely friend. I cooked soup, baked bread and apple cake plus some of those pesky household chores on my list. Still have this soar throat and woke up choking in the night with a very dry throat. Also seem to need more sleep recently - it is highly unusual for me to go to bed at 10pm two nights in a row. My dreams are very vivid and as always filled with a cast of thousands, lots of excitement, drama and difficult decisions for me to make.

The fight with the cold is over - the heating was fixed. You know it is cold in your kitchen when you open the fridge and warm air wafts out!!

Today I had:

2 x Cucumber, celery, carrot, ginger, apple and parsley + the delicious crackers I made from the pulp mixed with a can of tomatoes and some garlic

Pumpkin soup, soda bread and a piece of apple cake

I start the mornings off with some warm water and either lemon or grapefruit juice and tomorrow when the house has reached a normal temperature I am going to try the clay bath supplement my sister gave me - it is supposed to help detoxification through the skin.

Day two

2008-10-28T12:46:00.000-07:00

Can you tell I am doing something new? The beginning of my self imposed little challenges always get me excited. I am taking bets on how long for.......

I listen to a lot of podcasts and like guided meditations. Last week I came across one which made me laugh out loud all the way through. I can not remember the name of the guy who did this recording but he is a well known hypnotist. Anyway he starts going on about how people nurture their inner child, especially if they feel they were hurt when they were young. What rubbish he says, lets take a machine gun to your inner child - aim carefully and shoot it. You can always rebuilt it. In fact lets take a cannon to your inner child - buuuuuummmmmm. You can always rebuilt it. Initially I was shocked - how could he???!!! But then I started to giggle and when I had taken my first shot at my own whiny self pitying inner child I could not stop laughing.

I have been using this technique quite often since on my inner chritique, on my inner 'lets not conform and be naughty' and of couse my inner child. I can always rebuilt that part of myself to suit me a little better. After all these are not real flesh and blood, they are just concepts in my mind.

Today I had:

Lots of my special crackers

A cup of yesterdays soup

A juice made off broccoli, courgettes, beetroot and apple

Potato mash and Sauerkraut (without one of the lovely sausages I cooked for G)

I had a sore throat today and started with a flu headache this morning. No wonder considering our heating packed up on Friday at about 4.45 pm and the earliest I can get it repaired is tomorrow. It has be COLD here and we have to huddle by the one electric heater we own.

Day one of going veggie

2008-10-27T01:29:00.001-07:00

I am a confirmed carnivore so I am dictating this with some trepidation but also with a lot of excitement. I am going to attempt, actually it is more than attempt but at the moment I do not want to use a stronger word, so I am going to attempt to go seriously veggie this week.

Lately I have started juicing mainly because we have had a bumper crop of apples and pears in our garden and I did not want to waste all of those lovely fruit. So I mixed apple and pear juice with carrots, leeks and anything else I could find in the vegetable box. Some combinations are obviously more successful than others. The leeks were particularly interesting as they have a very strong onion after taste which was a bit of a marmite moment

Today I have had:

Juice made of spinach, carrots, celery, apple x2

Lime water

Carrot, sweet potato and ginger soup

and a lovely slice of homemade bread

plus endless cups of my current favourite herbal tea

oh and some of my special crackers

When juicing there is always a lot of pulp and I had the ingenious idea to dry it and make delicious thin crackers in my dehydrator. I also produced a stunning apple cake by just using apple pulp, a little agave nectar and perhaps some raw almonds all or some raisins. Completely healthy of course and a delight to work taste buds. Even G likes both.

More tomorrow!

Current priorities

2008-09-17T16:27:00.000-07:00

Today whilst doing my regular! walk I was left alone with my own thoughts because I had forgotten my IPod . I very quickly went into this beautiful state of meditation without even having to try. It is impossible for me to walk AND have lots of different thoughts bouncing around my head as they normally do. It seems that it is impossible for my brain to multi-task when I am walking. It is lovely to only have to deal with one thought at a time.

The thought that dominated was about my priorities for the coming weeks. Number one of course is my health and improved fitness. Number two is my nonexistent business and the reversal of that state. And number three is the upcoming trip to Germany in October.

Despite a whole month of tooth ache and dentist visits and root canal treatments I think I am doing well on my number one priority. I have joined online weight watchers to keep a record of my food intake and have added a pedometer and some ankle weights to my exercise routine.

I would love to not talk about number two but I have made a promise so I better do more than talking. The next action required is really not that complicated. All I have to do is to add a couple of items to an existing online shop front. I have talked about it for months, I have the items ready made but I am not doing it. Partly because (of course) my items are not good enough in my mind (will they ever be?) and partly I cannot think of another equally good sounding excuse. So I am going to try and try and try again until it is done. And it will be- trust me.

The third priority only requires a tick list of tasks which I have already partly written and started. Nothing too tasking apart from possibly viewing our dream house and having to deal with German estate agents - what is up with these guys? After recent experiences they will not get gold stars for their customer service. All I can say is LOUSY.

In summary - today I walked 11,000 steps, ate well and set up a bit of fun for the weekend. Not bad!

September already

2008-09-10T05:26:00.000-07:00

Wow, time has flown since I last added some soul searching to this blog. I have been recovering well from the operation - actually very well indeed which has obviously led me overdo things at times. Good thing was that I have been getting instant feedback and did not have many option other than to slow down and lie down.

Even now I have to remind myself sometimes that it is still ok to just lie down for a while. Gary has been a star in supporting me and has often been the one who slowed me down. All in all it was a very good experience and I feel like a new woman without the monthly dark cloud where I lost about 5 days.

I have taken up power walking in a big way - and even though I do not think I will hit my 3560km goal this year, I am doing a gorgeous forest walk nearly every day fast than the speed of lightning (well............ you know what I mean...................... it feels fast.............)

Whilst walking I take the opportunity to list to my huge list of podcasts and am concentrating at the moment on EFT and am learning a lot.

Perspective

2008-07-03T01:29:00.000-07:00

It is our fifth wedding anniversary next weekend and we are going to one of our favourite restaurants in London. So I was contemplating what to wear. This is an activity that does not take that long as I do not have a particularly large selection of clothes that fit me. My mind went to the beautiful bright red skirt I wore for our wedding. I still have a swelly belly from the operation and that might work well.

And then it came to me, my weight is exactly the same as it was five years ago on our wedding day (it actually has been the same since I gave up smoking nearly 7 years ago). During those years it has been sometimes less and sometimes more for fairly brief periods - my weightloss in April brought me back to this weight too and I has remained there since. My unsuccessful struggle and dissatisfaction with my weight has remained constant throughout. What does that tell me?

On a positive note: I am still the same weight and the struggle was good for something. But how much effort and heart ache I have put into just staying the same. I, the oh so progressive one who loves change and evolution, I stayed the bloody same and gave myself a hard time over it.

Whilst I am on a roll being honest with myself.......... as I said, I do not have a large selection of clothes and I like to think of myself as being pretty good at not hoarding clothes. NOT QUITE TRUE! To be honest, I would say that more than half of the not so many clothes in my wardrobe I have not worn ever or only a couple of times when there has been some weight loss and I allowed myself to go shopping. In fact there are several outfits I have kept back from slimmer times over 10 years ago in the hope I can wear them again one day.

It is tough to be honest with oneself. Giving these clothes to charity is going to be gut wrenching for me. We have seen some good times together and I have attached so many hopes to them concerning my weight. During the last 10 years I have only cleared out clothes I did not like or which were too big at the very moment of the clear out. LOVE doing that kind of clearing out but as I have always put the weight back on again, it leaves me with a wardrobe of wrong sizes and not much to wear because I hate shopping for the size I actually need.

Time to let go.

+6

2008-06-22T17:57:00.000-07:00

I still can not quite belief how good I am feeling after this major surgery. I was up washing myself 12 hours after the operation, walking up and down the corridor 24 hours after operation and home after less than 3 days.

We went for a walk today in the local woods - slowly of course and shopping afterwards. I do get tired and have long siestas but I am also up in the middle of the night writing my blog and am excited about life.

Blissfully I have had very little pain but they have put the fear of life into me about lifting things. Everybody says not to lift but I have not yet found a satisfactory explanation why not and what it actually does to ones body. Reading the forums, I have probably done more than most women in their first week after surgery and I feel just fine. My body tells me the things that hurt but I have not conclusive evidence that what I am doing is too little or too much. What happens to the belly muscles after surgery? I am usually really good at digging up information via google, but this is coming up with a blank. Weird, considering 1 in 4 women has a hysterectomy before they are 55. One would have thought that one can get specific information rather than the finger wagging 'don't do it' stuff (which I have no doubt is good advice, I just want to know what is happening to my body)

-17 for this HysterSister

2008-05-30T00:01:00.000-07:00

The name cracks me up - it could also stand for hysterical sister, which I so easily could let myself be if I was not a positive action girl with a job to do. My sister coined the phrase operation 'operation'.

Talking about positive action, from today I am back on my diet plus a home made juice every day and a spoonful of oil (can't remember which one and am too lazy to walk down to the fridge). My last blood test revealed that my iron levels are close to nothing. I think the healthy range is something like 10 - 250 and I am 12. As I can not face chicken liver every day I have started taking an iron supplement to make sure they do not turn me down for the operation last minute because I am anaemic. Of course alcohol is off the menu too until our wedding anniversary in 6 weeks time *whimper*. Perhaps G is going to join me to demonstrate his empathy...............

Excellent, I just took away two of my emotional crutches in a time when I am going to feel rather vulnerable. But I must say that taking the food crutch away is not as daunting as it would have been at the beginning of the year. There is a distant memory that it used to work so well and was so comforting, I tried it out yesterday but it did not do that much for me. Had some white bread and butter - my 'death row last meal' choice. It was nice but not orgasmic - kind of take it or leave it. And this morning I feel rather bloated so it just is not worth it.

I have already started with my Arnica gel that has worked wonders on my aches and strains this year, including my always painful 'computer mouse' shoulder which I have had no trouble with since. I am massaging it into my stomach every morning. On suggestion of my sister I am also going to see an osteopath today - every little helps.

- 19 days

2008-05-28T05:13:00.000-07:00

Curbed ball alert in the grand scheme of things which constitutes my life and I did not see it coming. I have to have a hysterectomy, found out last Friday and will have the operation on Monday 16th of June. At least I can go private and do not have to have the nauseating long wait so many women suffer on the NHS.
Since I found out I spend a couple of evenings drunk, a whole day moping about like a little lost lamb and a sleepless couple of hours not being able to get out of my head all the things which could go wrong with such an invasive operation. Done that and am fine now. I am doing lots of research on how I can prepare mainly physically but also mentally to give myself the best chance of a speedy recovery.

The list of things I need to purchase includes so far:

Big knickers (think Bridget Jones)
A favourite special pillow (to aid coughing, sneezing and to use as a barrier under a seat belt)
Peppermint capsules (to relief 'wind' issues apparently common after big operations - did I really need to know that beforehand?)
An elastic tummy band (which might replace the favourite special pillows' job if it suits me and wow - one can even buy chilled ones which can aid the healing process)
A couple more sleeping T-shirts with silly slogans fit for the occasion

On having fun

2008-05-20T02:55:00.000-07:00

"Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder."
Henry David Thoreau

I do not quite agree with this statement. I certainly agree that nobody can demand happiness, insist on it or make it conditional– when I am thin I am going to be happy, when I have lots of money I will be happy etc. And I also believe strongly that happiness is not going to come just because you put the thought out into the universe and do nothing about it.

I think we have got to work at being happy. Start by being grateful for the many good things you already have in your life (especially the small and tiny things we take for granted). Forgive whatever happened in the past (forgive yourself and others – not easy but a worthwhile exercise, especially forgiving yourself) And then you have the choice between being a miserable person or a happy one. Chose to be happy and do not worry - you are not going to end up like a sillily grinning fool at all times. Happiness is like a butterfly sitting softly on your shoulder - you will not always be aware of it. But nothing compares to the joy when you become aware of it.

Enough of my round about way of getting to what I want to say in this entry - I know how to do happy but not how to have some outrageous fun. I am having fun at home with my artwork with my life in general but it has become kind of solitary fun and I want some other fun too. I have written about it before but have not acted upon it because I have been waiting to be in better shape. There I said it! This is another of those things that when I own up to it out loud, I feel like a complete moron.

How dense can one get???? I am not going to have a better class of fun because I am thinner, I have not noticed people being different with me whatever my weight. I have just noticed that I become very self conscious, my own worst critic and subsequently much less out going (and going out) when my weight goes up. As I said, there is nothing wrong with having fun on your own - a lot of people could do with learning that skill. But I want more layers and enrich my life with ‘public’ fun (is there a proper word for this??)

So I figure the same applies to fun as it does to happiness. I gotta work at it. I can decide to have fun and set up the situations I would enjoy. Yes, there will be that niggling thought that suddenly the fun police is going to jump out from behind the bush, point their fingers at me and say: you are the wrong size to have fun.

What do you think? Should I just cross that bridge when it happens?

Apart from that, life is really good. I am in balance again and today I feel a million dollars. Weight continues to go down slowly and having reduced my food intake considerably has a lot of other positive effects. Thumbs up!

2008-05-12T00:50:00.000-07:00

I have just written a post that felt too personal to publish and share here. The insight I got from it I can share though. I came to the conclusion that my ego is way too important to me. Wanting other people to have a particular picture of me, not going full out with my art, being over-sensitive to critisism - it is all ego driven.

I want to be better, more special than others. That sounds horrible when I say it out loud!!! So why am I over weight? That does not make me better than others? Quite the opposite.

Derren Brown has a new television series and last weeks experiment explained a bit about why we do these mad things which go completely against what we really want to achieve. He put a closed box with a big red button in front of school children. Just before leaving them alone in room with it, he told them NOT to touch the red button. Of course they all did. He uses negative suggestions to cause an experienced high wire artist to fall off for the first time in his career and a young woman to push the button to kill a kitten (no animals were hurt of course).

We rebel against boundaries, of course we become more sophisticated when we grow up and without Derren Brown messing with your head you probably can stop yourself from electrocuting a kitten. But negative thinking also becomes more sophisticated and not that easily detectable. What we resist persists!

I am rebelling against imaginary boundaries I have set for myself and most of them are ego driven. My mission is to get rid of my ego. It sounds ludicrous to even attempt that, but at the same time it sounds right. There are no 'real' barriers in my life - I have worked so hard to get rid of the barriers which other people control. Only the ones I have put up in my mind are still there. I need to take away the barriers so I have nothing to rebel against.

For example in my attempt to becoming a mixed media artist I came up with the idea to allow myself to just be 'playing' and experimenting. I decided that if there was no expectation to achieve anything that has to be good, has to get the approval of others or (god forbid) could be sold. But I keep forgetting and put up my barriers again that stop me from really embracing my desire and going for it. I have a weekly call with a wonderful friend where we support each other to follow our dreams and make them reality. She is the one who reminds me again and again that I am just playing and experimenting and it is beginning to work.

For my weight loss I am trying to do the same. Day by day - the best I can. Nothing to rebel against like a big huge goal or telling myself I MUST NOT EAT (just writing these words get my my inner rebel stirring and ready for action) Sometimes it does not work that well but there is today and I will try again

It was yang time last week

2008-05-06T00:52:00.000-07:00

I wisely put a proviso into my euphoric posts about how good I was feeling - where there is light, there must be shadow. And shortly after my last post the shadow time set in. There was no good reason for it and little I could do about it. I said to G that I was feeling disconnected. I also was very very tired which lets me to believe that it was thyroid related. I no longer get painful chest pressure when I am over active (thank god for small mercies) but I get tired and turn purple when I exert myself only a little. By Friday I was feeling so poorly that I went back to bed at noon and fell asleep immediately for three hours having had a good 9 hours the night before.

So I had some white wine on Sunday but that did not do the trick and I switched to red last night (all my scientific research leads more and more to the conclusion that red wine is a very good therapy indeed). I have not been drinking and the alcohol had quite an impact. This morning I am feeling much much better and am ready to prepare the mother of 'things which need doing' list. Actually me feeling really good again this morning more likely means is that my thyroid is in balance and I need to take another tablet to keep it that way.

Another note worthy point today is that one year ago we were already on day 8 of our walk from Bavaria to London and I love re-reading our diary. Without our notes and pictures it would not seem real and I would not believe that we managed to complete such a big challenge.

Much lighter

2008-05-02T02:32:00.000-07:00

Yes yes yessssss I can report that I lost nearly 20 pounds during the last month and I am thrilled. Overall I am feeling very good but I am sooooooooo tired. I reckon it is my thyroid playing up but I have hopes that I will get some plan of action from the specialist I am seeing next week (what can I say - I am an optimist!)

In myself I am so much calmer about the weight issue. Losing weight obviously helps but there is the bud of something else too. Being the best I can today is still what is working for me - I am thinking very little about yesterday and the future even though I now have a clear goal I would like to get to. As part of my continuous improvement program I will add my self image this month. That should be fun! Any bright ideas are welcome because I know that just telling myself that I look fine ain't going to do it in those dark moments when I am vulnerable and not at all sure of myself.

Bottling that feeling

2008-04-27T23:11:00.000-07:00

Wouldn't it be good if we could do that...... I am trying to anchor a memory of the empowered, positive way I am feeling about myself and my weight. At the moment anything is possible. I have been trying to be my very best every day and it is obviously working.

I know life is an up and down, yin and yang and where there is light there must be dark, so I know it will not always be this way. But my overriding personality trait is optimism and I believe that what I am doing this time is a huge step forward.

Being on a very strict diet teaches me a lot of things about emotional eating. It is similar to the lessons I learned when I gave up smoking. Dragging on a cigarette always 'helped me' to ease any stress. Not having that crutch after giving up, I realised that I coped with stress just as well without - probably better.

After some initial adjustment, I have not felt hunger nor fullness for the last 10 days and because I am so focused it has been blissfully easy. Feeling the same all day long has side effects. For one I think it must be good for my body not to have the ups and downs of differing sugar levels - I truly feel amazing in myself. At the moment I need to sleep much more than I usually do and will be in bed way before midnight(!!!).

Not feeling hungry or stuffed also creates empty space. It is difficult to explain what it is like, I think of it as a large, white and very bright room that is nearly empty and feels very peaceful and empowering. What an unfamiliar place for me to be. The room I am usually in when it comes to food is cluttered, all the colours under the sun, it is busy, there is pressure and stress and I am spinning around in the middle of it, often in despair.

So what will happen the next time I feel emotional and will want to administer some food to make myself feel better?? Which room will I go to?

Weight loss journal prompt

2008-04-25T03:26:00.000-07:00

I use these prompts to write in my personal weight loss diary (I use a moleskine and the lovely ink pen I got for Christmas a couple of years ago with THE most funky colours of ink. If you have never come across a moleskine notebook you do not know what you are missing)

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.

Anais Nin

I am just thinking, if this statement were true - how true and reliable is MY truth? And I am thinking about my need to be right (which I usually am of course ;)

Feeling grrrrrrrrreat

2008-04-22T00:05:00.000-07:00

(My impression of the Kellogg's tiger) - hormones are lining up with the universe again and I am losing weight steadily now. It really is a head thing, not a will power thing and it is a today thing not a I am going to do it tomorrow thing.

My mantra is about what I do right now to contribute to where I want to be and often that just means I can not fulfill impromptu needs like eating something tempting. So what I am doing right now, is writing my journal and that has helped me no end to get my head straight. A big thank you to my two wonderful comment leavers - your support is so invaluable to me. I know I am accountable and supported.

I can not stop thinking about Dr. Who' s first episode of the new series 'Partners in crime' which, in a way, is about weight loss. Evil woman sets up big corporation and sells diet pills. People who take pills are delighted. Every morning they wake up and are lighter without exercising or eating less. At night little people made of their fat remove themselves from their bodies. They have eyes and little feet and just waddle away. Of course there is more to it, it is Dr. Who after all! But the thought makes me crack up every time when my scales have moved down. Another little fat person has left from my hips, or my thighs - next week one from my stomach please.

Hormones

2008-04-17T03:11:00.000-07:00

There I was delighting about my hormones being aligned with the universe and bumm, PMT hits me - hard! It is an emotional roller coaster being there and I would be very happy to not ever have it again. It always affects my self image which is my weak point even on a good day.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a woman. If I was about to be born again in our times and there was a queue for men and one for women. I would sign up to be female - no contest. I think the male species needs to go through a male revolution to find out where and how they can/want to/should fit into the world ..............

Anyway the good news is: I am a loser :) FINALLY I am weighing less than when I started this blog in January.

take that!

2008-04-10T18:05:00.001-07:00

You, you're such a big star to me
You're everything I wanna be
But you're stuck in a hole and
I want you to get out
I don't know what there is to see
But I know it's time for you to leave
We're all just pushing along
Trying to figure it out, out, out.

Your anticipation pulls you down
When you can have it all,
you can have it all.

So come on, so come on, get it on
I don't know what you're waiting for
Your turn is coming
don't be late, hey hey
So come on
See the light on your face
Let it shine
Just let it shine
Let it shine

Stop being so hard on yourself
It's not good for your health
I know that you can change
So clear your head and come round
You only have to open your eyes
You might just get a big surprise
And it may feel good and
you might want to smile,
smile, smile.

Oh don't you let your
demons pull you down
'Cause you can have it all,
you can have it all.

So come on, so come on, get it on
I don't know what you're waiting for
Your time is coming
don't be late, hey hey
So come on
See the light on your face
Let it shine
Just let it shine
Let it shine

Hey let me know ya
You're all that matters to me
Hey let me show ya
You're all that matters to me.
(repeat)
So come on, get it on
I don't know what you're waiting for
Your turn is coming
don't be late, hey hey
So come on, See the light on your face
Let it shine
Just let it shine
Let it shine

Hey let me know ya
You're all that matters to me
Hey let me show ya
You're all that matters to me
(repeat)

Hey let me love you
You're all that matters to me (shine shine shine shine shine so come on see the light on your face let it sine just let it shine shine)
Hey so come on yeah
Shine all your light over me.
See the light on your face

Let it shine
Just let it shine
Shine!

The masseuse is always right

2008-04-10T17:12:00.001-07:00

Usually when I allow myself the luxury of a massage every once in a blue moon (= probably once or twice a year) I get told that I carry a lot of tension in my shoulders and do have a lot of knots there. Often in recent years I protested and said I don't do tension anymore I gave up corporate life some time ago. But I guess, like so often I was deluding myself.

And today I could really feel the difference myself. I was soft and relaxed. Just one little tiny knot in my shoulders. I wonder what has changed............ let me think........

I also used to have a very sore right shoulder due to way too much time spend on the computer. Repetitive shoulder syndrome! But since I found arnica gel. that has been a thing of the past. I sometimes could not even lift my arm right up, it was that bad. And just before I found the gel I wondered out loud when the last time had been that I was pain free in that shoulder and I could not remember.

Today's recommendation: let go of the stuff that is not important to you and use arnica gel!

All or nothing attitude

2008-04-09T00:56:00.000-07:00

I.e. exercising three times in as many days like a maniac and then not do anything for three weeks or eating the whole baguette because eating half has spoiled that super ultra strict diet anyway...........................

Not me - nope. Can't say I recognise that attitude *cough* I can do shades of grey when it comes to me and my weight. Honest! I am learning.........................

One thing is for sure, I will never stay within my boundaries or keep doing the same routine religiously like some people I know who are brilliant at that moderately and regularly thing. That's just me and I like it. Mind you, I must have hopped on that bike nearly every day for weeks now. It seems my day is not complete if I have not done that.

'Motivation waxes and wanes with external forces, inspiration grows from deep within'

Look who is butting in now

2008-04-08T04:11:00.000-07:00

To keep the body in good health is a duty. . .

otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear

Buddha

I am on it - alright?! *big eye roll*

Sometimes I even manage

2008-04-05T10:55:00.000-07:00

to surprise myself. Not often - that makes it more of a surprise.

I am feeling incredibly strong at the moment both mentally and physically. Perhaps it is all the changes I am making to my thinking or perhaps my hormones are aligned with the universe - I do not know, but I am taking it and am grateful.

The realisation is that when I REALLY wanted something, I have never ever in my life given up. It might have taken me a while, I might have been afraid, it might have been a struggle and I probably whined a lot but I always got there in the end.

And all the things I did not get were not important enough in the greater scheme of things. That is not sour grapes thinking, they really were not important enough or I would have. That much I know myself - I just forget it sometimes.

Weight loss journal prompt

2008-04-04T05:55:00.000-07:00

Here is a journal prompt I really like. I use these in my hand written diary and this one fits beautifully in with my new theme.

When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.
(African proverb)

About living in the present

2008-04-02T11:00:00.000-07:00

By the frequency I am posting, it is obvious that I am enthused about my observations and the path I am on now. I feel full of energy again and Gary is on the up too - I think we both had a virus and are over it.

I have been eating really well, I have been doing a sweaty workout very regularly and I am much more relaxed about matters of weight. So even when there was another pound on the scales this morning I was philosophical. I may not be able to control my weight which may be thyroid related or have some other reason I am not aware of, but I have control over other things and I am finally concentrating on those.

The present is a gift

and I am asking myself these questions to help myself:

What would be most fun?
What would I love to do?
What can I play around with?
What is the smallest next step I can make?

and one question I have not used much in my life:

What would be easiest right now?

I think I used to live by an unwritten rule that said, if it is easy it ain't worth having - make it difficult and complicated and then put your all in to achieving it. Oh, and be stern with yourself if you do not! What I can not figure out at the moment is when I created that belief and why.

And looking back over the last10 years, all of the things that make my life wonderful today have come easily. I can not recall any of them being difficult, complicated and stressful. And even if my memory is selective they were 'projects' which involved my passion, my love and fulfilled my need to never stand still, be satisfied with my lot and shrivel up. Life is simply too precious to do that.

Pin ball machines and the Tao de Ching

2008-04-01T01:27:00.000-07:00

I have acknowledged in an earlier post that I am an emotional eater and have been looking for a metaphor to describe what is going on. It came to me just now when I looked at my beautiful Star Trek pin ball machine.

Imagine the ball as a person, the flippers are their emotions and the trigger is controlled by somebody on the outside who is playing with the machine. The machine is switched on and the game begins, the ball and the flipper collide and the ball gets catapulted around the machine. It could be a happy event, somebody telling me how wonderful one of my pieces of work is ..... bulls eye, the ball has hit a double point target the machine goes wild 'ding ding ding ding', lights flash and it notches up the points.

It could be a disappointment, my work was not accepted by a magazine......... the ball shoots around the machine and ends up too far left and drops out of the game. No points, game over, you are useless. I eat to give myself a good emotion. HAHAHAHA (insert evil laugh) who says I am not in charge of my emotions!

I think it is obvious that one should not let ones emotions be controlled from the outside. I also belief that many of our actions are driven consciously or unconsciously by the need to feel some degree of control over our lives. Where there is a gap between the two, we will find ways to compensate: eating, not eating, shopping, drinking, gambling, denial, guilt trips, abusive self talk........... Many self-help gurus talk about finding balance but I am a passionate, impulsive person and I like that about myself. I do not want to be a middle of the road person sitting on fences. So I went on this thought trip:

I download and listen to some shows from Hayhouse radio to learn and widen my horizon. There I heard Dr. Wayne Dyer talk about the Tao de Ching and I went off to read it. The beginning of the second verse of the Tao de Ching has stuck in my mind ever since:

When people see some things as beautiful,
other things become ugly.
When people see some things as good,
other things become bad.

Somehow that fits in with my post about John Wooden's philosophy. In our society winning a basketball game is good, therefore losing it is bad. The outcome of the game seems to define the teams and players but that is not telling the whole story. In contrast I watched the figure skating World Championships in March and realised they had completely changed their judging system from a 10 out of 10 'judges hold paddles up' system to an intricate computerised points system where judges and specialists look at every aspect of the skate and the result is a much wider range of points. It makes it fairer for the skaters but what really impressed me was that now they prominently displayed each skaters seasonal best score for the audience to compare with their score on the day. If I remember rightly, the silver metal winner in the men's competition was quite a bit below his own season's best. But there were scores of skaters in the minor places who had risen to the occasion and surpassed their own best scores by miles.

What would life be like if I only competed with my own personal best? Could I keep my passion and my impulses and my many other quirks that make up MOI and still find balance and peace of mind?

I feel some Kaizen coming on.....................................................

Below 3000 (No, not pounds!)

2008-03-30T03:59:00.000-07:00

Wohoooooooooooooo

Today I celebrate moving out of the 3000's. I probably will be biking most of my way to 3650 and my bum which has never known to be flabby is going to be granite by the end of it!

Continuing on from my last post I have been trying to relax and let go of that picture of myself I think I ought to be. I have been hanging on to that for dear life and admittedly been rather tense and intense about. So I have been trying to wrap it into a glittering bubble and let it fly off into the distance. How does one know one has let it go? I can visualise it going but how do I KNOW it is gone? Bet with you there is no definite answer to that so I let that question go too.

Concentrating not on what I could or should do, but what I actually am doing is certainly an improvement. It helps me think more clearly and be honest with myself.

Bouncily yours........

New definition of success for me

2008-03-26T03:07:00.000-07:00

I have just been reading about John Wooden, THE most successful basketball coach of all times and one of his maxims struck me in the context of weight loss. His website is fascinating.

John Wooden did not discuss winning or losing with his players because he thought that that was a byproduct of preparation. He focused on the process of making his players into the best team they were capable of becoming.

His definition of success is not how much you have achieved, accumulated or how powerful you have become. He believes that success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to become the best of which you are capable.

As I have started concentrating on daily exercise and action towards becoming a super fit person this is making a lot of sense. I focus on that daily action rather than a weight goal which I may or may not be able to achieve. It is about being present, in the now. Think about anything you are frustrated about not being able to achieve. It is highly likely that you are frustrated because you are more attracted by the idea of achieving than the idea of what you have to do to achieve it. So it is about falling in love with what needs doing?

Just saying it out loud is interesting: Success is a byproduct! It takes away the significance from that moment when you finally hit that goal, that moment when you make it, reach the top, are a success.

Success is a byproduct will become my daily mantra. Peace of mind and relaxing about weight would mean so much more than hitting htat goal.

What are goals for

2008-03-18T04:41:00.000-07:00

if one can not change them. I have been trying to go with my head through the wall and have been getting exactly nowhere. So it ain't working, I am getting it.

Slight changed of tactic and I am focusing more on being fit and strong. Fat, fit and strong is better than fat, flabby and weak I guess (she says with moderate enthusiasm because deep down all she wants is to be slim).
The stationary bike is back in the living room for the time being. It is just not nice in our garage come gym when it is cold and wet outside. Also in the gym I can not watch the backlog of films I have recorded . So I am peddling my heart out in the living room, 20km a day. Today I was so engrossed in this film that I ended up doing 30km. Fine by me. Tomorrow it is back into the gym to do a session of weight lifting.

When I was redefining the goal it came to me how many things I still want to achieve which are physical and depend on me being good shape:

Dive into water
This might sound funny to most but I simply have not been able to do it. And they have tried to teach me, including this strange boyfriend I had in Munich who was a Psychiatrist in training. He ensured that I got out of that relationship double fast when he took me to meet his psychiatrist mentor for 'tea' (nobody in Germany invites people for 'tea' other than those who have ambitions of grandeur) First I was quite flattered, she lived in a very posh villa but I realised very quickly that I had been asked so that she could have a chance to look me over. He obviously wanted (or, even worse, needed??) her approval. I was young and rebellious, so I obliged and gave her plenty of reasons to disapprove. He never taught me to dive from the pool side and I think I had a very lucky escape there.

Crawl
No not on all fours but in the water. I am stuck with my breast stroke and want to do more.

Hand stand
This is a hangover from being one of the worst at sport in school. I think the way sports teachers reinforced our beliefs that we were not very good at anything sporty was a crime. But they obviously preferred to spend their time with the best and gave up very easily if people like me did not pick up quickly enough whatever they were teaching. So I still can not do a hand stand (but at least I can suck my big toe!)

Learning to ski
Oh my, another one of those school memories. We went on only one ski trip from school and on the first couple of days everybody started out on the nursery slopes so they could assess our skills. Thinking back, my expectations were so low of myself. I was not alone on that front and was immediately grouped with the nerds who were bad at sport in general. None of us had ever been on a pair of skies. Of course our group ended up the entire week on the nursing slopes close to our youth hostel and the rest of the school went off, skiing off big mountains, having great days out. Guess where the best teachers were during that week? Ever heard of self fulfilling prophecies?

Tandem hang gliding
Hurling off a mountain secured to a nylon wing yeahhhhhhh (there is a weight limit and I am not within range)

Triathlon
This ambition has been with me forever and I will just have to bloody do it or I will still be talking about it when I am 60. Being able to crawl would be good, being able to run would be useful too .............................

I am still kicking

2008-03-16T09:12:00.000-07:00

Wow, that was a long and unplanned break.
My Kiniesologist prescribed Walnut tincture to help balance my thyroid. It did not exactly balance but send my thyroid activity stratospherically up into overactive. I ended up feeling crap with constant chest pain and throat ache for about 3 weeks. I got lots of the side effects described for overactive thyroid, all apart from weight loss(!). Ah well. If you are reading this and have an under active thyroid problem, I can highly recommend you try Black Walnut tincture. After reading up on it, the general consensus is that is has a stimulating effect on the thyroid and I can confirm that.

Back in the saddle I have started to catch up on this years kilometer goal and have done 76 km in the last three days. When the thyroid is back in balance I feel like a new born person - it is like magic!

Could have done without this little episode but it is all character building I guess. Weight is about the same as it was three weeks ago.

Not so useful questions

2008-02-24T01:33:00.000-08:00

So I get that I am not supposed to do negative self talk and thoughts. I am working hard and that and getting better at it. After all, this blog is about me stopping to batter myself.

I have been adding journal prompts to my blog. I want to have a whole list of great questions which make me pause and think before I answer them. They can often lead to great insights. The quality of the question determines the quality of the answer. I thought I am pretty good at this, you know being a trained coach and a bright open minded person and all that. Then I listened to one of my favourite podcasts 'Weightloss and the mind' . There are often real thought provoking gems in these podcasts. I nodded along with them when they were talking about their topic of great questions - 'yeah, yeah I know all that and totally agree' I thought smugly.

They stopped me dead in my tracks when they started talking about bad questions. Like: 'Why can't I lose weight?' I know I often ask myself that very question in my head (try to imaging the whining voice and an undertone of self-pity and desperation) My answer usually includes: 'because I am lazy' and 'I have no self-discipline' and 'I am useless' (imagine slightly higher pitched whiny voice and lower lip quivering now with self-pity) How useful are these answers? If my aim is to give myself a hard time: VERY! If my aim is to lose weight: No use whatsoever!

My thought police has got clear instructions: Spot those unhelpful questions!! 'Why' questions simply do not help to come up with quality answers - be that in your own head or if you ask somebody else. They often sound like an accusation or judgmental (you can really only get away with them as an inquisitive child). Why do you wear your skirts that length? Why did you not call me? Why can I not get that right?

still dawning on me

2008-02-21T00:48:00.001-08:00

I have this thing about food and drink that has been opened. Who the hell invented wine stoppers? Why would one need them? An open bottle of wine is an empty one. A loaf of bread started is a loaf of bread finished. Boxes of chocolate or cookies do not often make it into the house but if they do, they do not have the pleasure of my company for very long - they need to be destroyed! And I am the worlds bestes finisher of what is on my plate.

What is that all about? Some is definitely a hang over from childhood. 'Finish your plate, there are starving children in Africa' and we were actually not allowed to get up from the table until we finished our plate. But also a healthy respect for the cost of food (we were 5 children and my father a factory worker). So the good that came out of it is, that I can make a mean meal of any combination of left overs. The not so good that I still have a strong urge to finish my plate and all my trials to leave some on every plate I eat have failed miserably so far - I simply forget that I wanted to do that and my long practised habit to clear the plate kicks in.

In the last couple of weeks I have seen subtle changes. I am just leaving food on my plate when I have had enough without having to think about it (I am surprised every time). Instead I am now offering the left overs on my plate to Gary (I am compensating, ok!). He is trying very hard not to have second helpings and I am not helping with my new tactic. Gotta stop that.

I have tried not to have bread in the house for years and to make it the devils work in my mind (remember the spittoon?). That had the effect that when I bread is in the house, there is no stopping me. I will eat and eat and eat until it is gone. Not a good relationship. So I baked some bread, cut it up into slices and put them in the freezer. Yesterday I bought some butter as well. Now I have the ingredients of my 'last death row meal' in the house. Warm bread with butter. I had one slice yesterday and it was heaven. This is my training for the next couple of weeks. To have s o m e, now and then. Not shovelling it into me like there is going to be a world shortage any time soon (mind you - listening to Gary talking about the price of wheat.............)

On top of it all I have PMT. Proof was the dessert I conjured up for us after dinner and that box of Jaffa cakes that had made it into my shopping basket. I admit (slightly ashamed) that I opened the box of Jaffa cakes late last night and normally that would have meant an empty box. But they were not very nice (not something that would have bothered me a couple of weeks ago) the base was dry, the orange topping to small and not smooth enough and the chocolate yucky. I ate three, realised that they were crap and the rest of the box went into the bin (it is still there and will not be retrieved either!)

It is hard to be brutally honest with myself in public. I think any overweight person is also a master at kidding themselves.

New dawn??

2008-02-18T00:36:00.000-08:00

I am very careful these days with any claims I make around possible success regarding my weight loss journey. But I have to report a period of reconciliation with my inner child. I have found a way to communicate and make up for lost time. One of the most important things I have done is to set an anker (NLP) where I can find a great deal of comfort for the two of us by just rubbing my right upper arm. I agree whole heartily with any cynic out there that that sounds like I have developed a split personality but it feels very right.

As I am in the lucky position not to have to worry about much else I want to start over again with new vigour and focus. I have been looking at local personal coaches and will start an intensive programme of strength training. My 3650 km challenge continues with a bit more ummphhh to build my endurance.

In the back of my mind there are of course my past failures and the thought that I will make myself look like an even greater moron if I mess this up again. Amazingly I feel myself having a very strong response: It is contains a couple of expletives and basically expresses that I will not be stopped by what other people might or might not think of me. I know that only the times when I do not try will be lost days.

My strong need to do well in certain peoples eyes is a childish notion. It is very normal for a child to grow through encouragement and acceptance. I think I did not get enough of that when I was a child and became a chronic people pleaser in my teens and early 20's until I realised I had to find my own personality and will instead of being a flag in the wind, changing direction according to who I was around. Up to now I thought I had dealt with this and the chapter was closed. Now I realise that I had dealt with it up to a point but brushed some really important bits under the carpet.

Writing this, I realise why I became such an independent person, trying not to rely on anybody or anything. If you do not let anybody too deep into your life, they do not matter that much and I do not need them to think highly of me. So I changed boyfriends regularly and poured all my effort into work where I did really well and therefore moved around a lot. I took great pride in my work and everybody thinking that I was really good at it.

My whole world came to a crashing hold when I encountered a new boss who did not think that I was good at my job. I worked my little socks off as only I know how to - it had never failed in the past to change somebody’s mind of me. But with him nothing worked and I started to compensate by eating, eating, eating ,eating. Eventually he put a stop to the whole sorry tale by making me redundant (read: he sacked me with sugar coating on the top). He was not very clever doing that because it was illegal and I was going to take the company to court over it. He had to apologize to me (nearly choked him and did not give the satisfaction I had hoped for) and I got the big company promotion I had been after and deserved. But somehow the damage had been done - since that time I have a great capacity to put on weight. I took it off four or five times but always put it on again.

A cathartic entry I will post here thanks to the wonderful messages left after my light bulb moment. I think you are very special people too!

Weight loss journal prompt

2008-02-11T05:23:00.000-08:00

Use these prompts as inspiration for an entry in your weightloss journal

Probably nothing in the world
arouses more false hopes
than the first four hours
of a diet.

Dan Bennett

Week 7 Results

2008-02-10T05:15:00.001-08:00

Enough said yesterday!

On a positive note, I have completed 10% of my walking challenge for this year! go go gooooooooooo

Light bulb moment?

2008-02-09T02:00:00.001-08:00

My first draft of this entry was about how pathetic I am, managing in six weeks of my weight loss program to put on a pound (not exactly in the spirit of this blog). But I scrapped that after I wrote this:

I had quite a (light bulb?) moment at the kiniesologist this week when I slightly lost it and cried my eyes out. Not something I like doing in front of anybody other than perhaps my husband and then I don't like it either. I would prefer that everybody thinks of me as a very strong person. (I do not see tears as a sign of weakness in other people by the way - this is just a standard I have set for myself !?!)

So talking to the kiniesologist I connected some dots from the past and how I have such strong emotions around food. I am of course aware of all the individual experiences but had never made the real connection. And as much as it chokes me to say it, I think I have some healing to do because (never thought I might say this either) I am carrying a rather hurt and hyper sensitive child around with me.

What I could not understand all this time is how I could have such a great life (thanks motte!!!!!) and be a pretty happy woman and then have such dark moments around food and not get a grip on it. It just did not make sense and I have been on a relentless war path with myself for so many years. The harder I fight (myself), the more weight I put on eventually.

Kind of makes sense when I put it this way. I have read a lot about weight problems and their supposed link to the past. But to be honest, I thought is was a bit of an excuse for fat people to whinge about how bad their past was and not take responsibility for themselves today. And anyway, my childhood and youth was not bad, so all this stuff I read about never applied to me.

Where I am now with this is that I am acknowledging that I have been through some unusual and challenging experiences in my childhood and youth. If I thought that any child I knew had to go through them today the way I had, I would be horrified and would do my utmost to protect them.

Overall I am very happy with who these experiences have helped me become and I would not change anything. But at the same time I need to acknowledge that my relationship with food and my self confidence are fragile creatures because of them. So I have many facets to my personality, one of them - my inner child has a strong need to be acknowledged, nurtured, loved and needs to come out and play without having to carry the responsibility for my weight on its shoulders. This all could of course be total bollocks but early indications are good.

Better hit the publish button before I change my mind to tell the world that I might not be perfect

Week 5 Results

2008-02-03T15:38:00.001-08:00

Don't ask!

The counter is back to zero and I could cry but self pity is so unattracive. Brought it on myself and am fed up with myself and this %"£*$(&&^$ weight thing.

Apart from that I had a wonderful week visiting a great friend, attenting a thought provoking workshop and doing quite a bit of work.

If I do not want to continue emberassing myself publicly I will get my back side into gear eventually.

Weight loss journal prompt

2008-01-31T05:15:00.000-08:00

Food is like sex:
when you abstain,
even the worst stuff
begins to look good.

Beth McCollister

DISCUSS!

PMT

2008-01-29T00:22:00.000-08:00

I should have known something was up when I scoured the kitchen for ingredients to make ‘chick pea chocolate chip cookies’. I can not remember the last time I ate a cookie but on Sunday I *HAD* to have one or five. Because they used chick peas as one of the main ingredients it made it completely acceptable in my head

The cookies were fine and apart from giving me indigestion and a guilt trip they obviously filled the gap that PMT opened up. Better than being a complete bitch I guess. God only knows what will happen when I go through……… *lower voice, shifty look around*……………. the change………….
My past ‘women’s trouble’ history is indicating that that might not go past me without some drama. Ophra is already wallowing in hers!

On the up, I came on yesterday and so far I have had nothing more than a little twinge of pain. Not being doubled up and popping extra EXTRA strong painkillers every four hours is a novel experience and happens about once every leap year. One of the supplements and tinctures Beatrix subscribed last week is producing some magic!!! That alone will have been worth the trip to see her.

'Eat what you want' myth

2008-01-27T01:09:00.000-08:00

I mentioned Paul McKenna of 'I can make you thin' fame in an earlier post. First of all: No, you bloody can't. You can make yourself very rich (good on ya' mate) and you might be able to help me but you can not MAKE me thin, OK? He quite clearly offends my tendency to take what people say literally - its a German thing!

So one of his principles of naturally thin people is that they eat what they want and orders his listeners to do the same. Newsflash: Naturally thin people do NOT eat everything they want, they are disciplined around food otherwise they would be fat! We are back to that unconscious competence thing again...............................
Naturally thin people do have the ability to balance their nutrition unconsciously. I don't and get into trouble every time I believe I can.

Anyway, apart from that, what he suggest in his book is pretty good. It IS all in the mind and there it needs to be sorted. Regrettably the artificial deep voice he uses on his hypnosis tapes grinds me down after a while and I need to switch off.

I have done my own principles and know that if I follow these that it will make a big difference to me (just click on the picture and you get a big version)

Week 4 Results

2008-01-27T00:54:00.000-08:00

Weight +1, Target= -2
Average calories: No idea Target = 1423
3560 Challenge: 72km, Target = 70km

Beatrix told me on Tuesday that I need to stop fighting with my weight. So did Jo, so does Gary, so do I in lucid moments. Beatrix also suggest not to weigh myself for a while. Not a new concept which I have followed quite happily in the past.

But somehow that translated in my head into: do whatever you want, so I did and have been eating what I wanted since Tuesday. I did not record what I ate, did not care and fully planned not to weigh myself today. All the while I had this niggling feeling of guilt deep down - I do 'I do not care' only on the surface well.

How does a grown up, intelligent and otherwise pretty confident woman get so lost and confused when it comes to food?? I know and I do not know.

EFT

2008-01-23T15:20:00.000-08:00

This technique is basically emotional acupuncture. The premise is that the way we hold past experiences and traumas and the thoughts we entertain today do have an effect on our health. You can learn and download a free manual how to do it here

It involves a sequence of tapping around some of the meridian points on my hand, face and upper body accompanied by a sequence of sentences which express my thoughts and emotions around a subject. It usually starts with the words 'Even though' then I add a believe or a thought, trying to be as specific as possible ' Even though I feel pathetic because I can not control my weight' and conclude with the words 'I completely love and accept myself'.

Whilst I am repeating this sentence several times I tap with my left hand a point on the side of my right hand on the outside of my little finger the movement is called the carate chop. Then I carry on tapping certain points around my face, my chest and under my arm whilst making short statements like 'I feel pathetic' 'I want control over my weight'.

What tends to happen when I do this can be wide ranging. I laugh about a sentence, sometimes I find it nearly impossible to say a sentence out loud with out stuttering, continually forgetting the words or crying. But always there is a feeling of less pressure after a round of tapping. Especially when the words I am saying bring up tears or reflect my anger I always feel lighter thereafter.

This has filled the gap I always felt when doing affirmations or hear people speak about the power of positive thinking. I always felt that just ignoring my negative emotions and thoughts is not going to do the trick. I am an extremely positive person, but being able to acknowledge my entire range of emotions has been freeing.

Saying all this, I am having quite a bit of resistance to using this technique around my weight. I can use it for other stuff and have seen results but when it comes to tapping around my weight I seem to have localised amnesia. I can not think of anything to say, I 'forget' to do the tapping ............

What does that tell me apart from that I am quite weird (in an accepting and totally loving way of course ;) and maybe perhaps, that I probably want to hold on to my baggage for a little longer.

I saw the kinesiologist yesterday and she walked me through some rounds of tapping and gave me some great guidelines on what to tap on. I have now no longer an excuse around not being able to think of something to say and as she suggested to do it ever time I go to the loo, there should be plenty of the required repetition too.

Burping

2008-01-22T04:52:00.000-08:00

This is something I found out some time ago but either keep forgettting about or simply ignore. It seems our stomach gives us a little sign when it had enough food: a little burp, sometimes barely noticeable and sooooo easy to ignore because it is WAY earlier than I think I am full up.

But I know it probably is enough because I have sometimes had this experience in restaurants. We decide to order a starter and a main course. Starter comes - usually a moderate portion and I eat it with perhaps some of the bread available. Then the service slows right down and we wait ages for our main course. By the time it eventually turns up I am no longer hungry and could quite happily go without. This does never happen when the main course comes straight after the starter.

The lesson is to stop much earlier but I have always been a clear my plate quickly kind of girl. It is hard enough to leave a little bit back on each plate - I am practising!

Week 3 Results

2008-01-20T04:18:00.000-08:00

Weight +1, Target= -2
Average calories 1456, Target = 1423
3560 Challenge: 52km, Target = 70km

Wow I put weight on......................... Lost for words to explain. It feels like when we were on our 800 km walk and I managed to put weight on. I am of course frustrated and disheartened but not ready to give in.

I have some fun lined up next week which I am determined to enjoy a lot - weight up or down. I am also going to see a very good kineisologist on Tuesday. I will ask her to work on my glands - especially the one in my head - I keep forgetting its name...... pituitary gland

There is also EFT, which I am going to increasingly use. Just have to get into a routine with it - not my strong point! Will blog the technique next week.

All in all I have had a pretty good week. Won playing poker, met some new people, got rid of some long standing energy zapping gremlins on my to-do list, had some wonderful conversations with family and friends, made some art and weight lifted a new best

If my weight will not come off, at least I am going to be a fit and pretty damn strong.

On having fun

2008-01-15T23:37:00.001-08:00

I am quite capable of denying myself something because I feel I do not look right for the occasion. M is banging his head against the wall in despair. I know it is bloody stupid too....................... sorry M

And then Jo gave me a major shake up yesterday and boy did she shake me. She was right and I needed to hear it. Thanks mate

So I have set the wheels in motion to have some fun next week and another bit of excitement is already set up towards the end of the month. My challenge is not to let the occasions be marred by my own body image. My circle of friends certainly do not seem to have a problem with the way I look. My husband often pays me genuine compliments. I get the occasional glances from strangers........ So what have I built up in my head??

Go forth, lighten up and have fun they said. I meekly replied 'Yes I will' *squeak*

30 Minute Rule

2008-01-15T04:46:00.000-08:00

I used this trick a lot when I gave up smoking many moons ago. Whenever I had an overwhelming craving for a cigarette I would say to myself: 'Wait 30 minutes and if you really want one then I think about it'. Often the urge had gone after a couple of minutes or I was distracted by something I was doing. If the urge was still there after 30 minutes I started the same game again.

It worked much better then just saying a straight 'No, you can not have one' to myself. With eating this is a bit more tricky, because I will have to eat something at some stage. So I will try this out with specific food items in the coming weeks if I remember!

Weight loss journal prompt

2008-01-14T07:04:00.000-08:00

The definition of insanity
is doing the same thing over and over
and expecting different results

Benjamin Franklin

Discuss!

Week 2 Results

2008-01-13T03:14:00.000-08:00

Weight -1, Target= -2
Average calories 1456, Target = 1600
3560 Challenge: 84km, Target = 70km

One measly pound all week - not nice! But I did the right things and am ever so pleased with my exercise. I feel great.

Even had a glass or five of wine yesterday and it was a lovely evening where I completely relaxed. Food is going fine, I have not had any major cravings, feelings of deprivation or was particularly hungry at any stage. My mind games seem to be working - as disgusting as they are.

Failure

2008-01-11T03:43:00.000-08:00

is not something I will ever do on purpose. If I commit to doing something I will give it my all.

I work best on reverse psychology. You tell me I will not be able to do something and I will do just about anything to prove you wrong even if I have to go beyond sensible boundaries. Something a trainer of mine found out very quickly.

She introduced me to the concept of lifting a heavy weight to the point of failure. It is a great training technique and has excellent benefits if good form is used up to the very last rep. But every time my trainer said 'to the point of failure' I could not stop lifting and would have injured myself had she not called a stop to it. It ended up being a game of chicken between us. I improved a lot whilst working with her and still feel the benefits when I work out on my own.

But every time I hear about working out to the point of failure my toes curl - I get an instant pantomine reaction 'Oh no I won't'

What do the iceberg & learning model have to do with weight loss

2008-01-09T15:13:00.000-08:00

If I have not updated this blog in a while, it is likely that I have stopped working hard on losing weight.

Pay attention, here comes the science:

Imagine an iceberg as a metaphor for your mind! (We have Freud to thank for this model)

Only 10% of an iceberg is visible (conscious) whereas the other 90% is beneath the water (preconscious and unconscious).

Unconscious is allotted an overwhelming 75%-80% (the rest is 'preconscious' but that's one Freudian bit of information too far for me)

I use the following model in training sessions to explain the circle of learning but when I thought about it, I realised how well this fits in with explaining successful weight loss.

unconscious incompetence

You don’t know that you don’t know – like when you are five and don’t know that you can not drive a car. I do not know when I was last at that stage in connection with my weight. I remember as far back as when I was about four being force fed cod liver oil and those god awful coal tablets by my mother and grandmother . I was too thin and was not eating enough and I was very aware of my weight being an issue which made me....

conscious incompetence

You know you do not know – now you are 15 and know you can not drive a car. I knew I had 'baby speck', was 'podgy' at the age of about seven I guess. But I did not know that there was something one could or should do anything about.

conscious competence

You know you know – you 18 and are just learning to drive – you are aware of every single action necessary to drive a car. There is not much else you can do or are aware of when you are a new driver - it takes all your brain power to stay on the road and keep out of trouble

When I had my brain wave, I realised that it is exactly this stage which I have to be at constantly as long as I want to lose weight successfully. It is in on my mind, I am aware, I am working on it, I am in control.

unconscious competence

You drive along, think about work or a fight you had last night and have suddenly arrived at you destination without even knowing. This stage is important for humans to be able to function - we do not want to think about how to walk, breath, talk etc. It all happens without a conscious thought from us

And this stage is for people who do not have a weight problem, they do not have to think about what, when, why and how much they eat. They just eat the right amount for them and then stop.

However, things get dodgy when I slip into unconscious competence. I go back to my bad habits, let my unconscious rule the roost and am surprised when the scales are on the up. If I do not get myself back into conscious competence PDQ - I no longer record what I am eating, I do not use my resources to help me and a very good indicator of all that, as I said at the beginning, will be if I stop writing this blog.

So there, I said it. You can pull me up on it – I would so hate that.

Food Porn

2008-01-07T07:53:00.000-08:00

The white loaf lies seductively on the marble of the kitchen counter, showing off its beautiful crust to its best advantage under the subtle lighting. It sends out its heady fresh baked smell, simply irresistible just like the Sirens in ancient Greece. Butter could not longer stop itself and with the help of knife it spreads itself shamelessly over the soft white slice and with a shutter of ecstasy melts into the delicious crumb……………………………

STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP

That’s the kind of film that is running in my head when I start feeling hungry or deprived and am not on top form. The worship of food – I am sure a lot of people do it. I often hear people talk about the foods they will finally allow themselves again when the diet is over. It is like hero worship the way they, I, think and talk about their favourite food. I can not trust myself at present to have a loaf of fresh bread lying around the house and just have a slice of it. So I ban it entirely and start day dreaming about it. The kind of food porn I am capable off can have me actually salivating. No surprise that I can find myself very quickly in the shop and leave with the coveted food plus some appropriate toppings. The more I run the movie, the more I can make myself believe that I want it, need it AND deserve it.

There are some NLP techniques to stop this kind of thing happening, to disassociate myself from the hero item in question. They involve running the movie in my head and making the item smaller and further away and black and white. That never really worked for me – I found a quicker and more effective method which I think I heard described in a television series with Paul McKenna of ‘I can make you thin’ fame (a title I greatly object to – I will talk more about the program he developed in another blog).

I have adapted it and call this method ‘poor the spittoon over the food porn’ and that is literally what I do. Every time I start thinking about a food or beverage item and begin to obsess about it I imagine a spittoon that stood for a while outside a Wild West Saloon, it has got lots of spit in it, you know big chunky bits and chewing tobacco and it is so full that it slightly swaps over every time somebody walks past it. I mentally dip the food or drink I am thinking about into it. Just like magic I stop thinking about the item – I have been doing it for a week now and it has worked every single time.

Anything the grosses you out works, the more colourful and realistic you can make it in your head, the better it will work with your food of choice. You can use anything you do not like, something bad smelling, something rotting. What turns your stomach?

Week One Results

2008-01-06T02:31:00.000-08:00

Weight -6, Target= -2 (90 to go)
Average calories 1434, Target = 1600
3560 Challenge -77, Target = -70 (3483 to go)

Gotta love the first week on a diet. It always goes so well with impressive results even though a lot of it is water.

For the challenge I gave myself a head start after Christmas and I only just managed to get over the weekly target of 70 km *gulp*. 10 km a day sounds so innocent and do-able, doesn't it? Initially I was going to walk the entire thing but decided that that would do my head in, as much of it will be done on our own treadmill. Our treadmill has decided to take on a whinging loud noise and it is hard to hear the television over it or even my beloved Ipod. In the end I have decided that including biking and swimming (about 1 km per hour if I do not manage to drown first) would be plenty of challenge for me and it is. I do interval training on the bike which I enjoy greatly.

My usual food day

2008-01-02T07:42:00.000-08:00

Food confueses me. There is so much opposing information about every food group I am no longer sure what I eat and what shouldn't eat. So I am making up my own version which comes from my own experience and what makes sense to me.

Breakfast is the easiest meal because I am usually not hungry in the morning. But ‘I get it’ that I should eat something early on. I have settled on a protein drink with milk plus some fruit and oats. I would like to use soy milk but that gives me a lot of 'wind issues'. I have to check out rice milk again, so far I have only found that terribly sweet stuff which is not nice.

Lunch I am making my main meal with a vegetable or salad and a protein. Vegetables can often give me that unpleasant 'wind problem'. It is not so bad working from home because I can stand down wind from myself or move rooms.

It is in the afternoons when I start feeling hungry and am looking for something to stuff my face with. Handful of nuts or one muesli bar do not do the trick for me if there is more left. This is the time when I can manage to eat all of the muesli bars in the house or the entire bag of nuts or dried fruit. I might have nuts and dried fruit in the house but certainly not any kind of muesli bar or chocolate bar. No great hardship for me as I usually do not crave chocolate and can take it or leave it. An altogether different story is fresh white bread. It is the devil’s work and I will do a lot to get my sweaty hands on a slice or ten!!

I will have to experiment with this time of day. For the last couple of days I have tried it with another protein shake with juice and a bottle of water chaser.

If I have not caved in by now and stuffed myself with something I usually will continue being hungry and must say that I do not do hunger well. When I am in strong resolve, I do alright and can stay in my thinking head space and in control. When feeling not so strong I go into an emotional response and when I am there I am no longer consciously in control. I let my emotions take over and they are powerful masters! They love food to .... well 'feed' on, sooth them, make them feel whole.

The most confusing thing is that I am living a wonderful life and am blissfully happy. I have no worries. Money, relationships, friendships, family all is fine. My business could do better but I even made my peace with that and take it as it comes. I do know where these emotions stem from but what they are still doing in my life I have no idea. They serve no useful purpose other than making me fat.

Anyway, I am sure I will pour my heart out about those in the months to come. To finish my usual food day up, I will always cook an evening meal for us - usually a vegetable and a protein. Most times we have some plain chicken or fish dish or a stew which I all cook from scratch. We rarely eat out, simply because we can get better food at home.

Later in the evening my will power is at it's lowest. I will easily talk myself into a little bit of cheese or a bottle of wine – because I deserve it or some other equally important reason.

My physical goals for 2008

2008-01-02T07:14:00.000-08:00

So here they are:

I have the pleasure of losing 96 pounds
I will walk/bike/swim 10 km a day in 2008 = 3650 km
I will be fit for a possible physical challenge I am toying with at the end of 2008(it would go way beyond our 800 km walk last year)
I will take extra pride in my appearence
I will treat myself regularly

I vow to do all this without beating myself up. Turns out ‘Mind over batter’ is such an apt name for my blog because I am the queen of beating myself up whilst procrastinating behind the veil of perfectionism. So none of that and I also will not whinge about my Thyroid or use it as an excuse.

Part of the Serenity prayer is going to be my guiding light

Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time.

Google squashes my designs on creative individuality

2007-12-26T10:02:00.001-08:00

At least before Google and Amazon you could have a thought - go: WOW I am such a creative person to think of this. I bet nobody else has. And you could blissfully carry on for some time in the believe that you are a creative individuals with unique thougths.

But these days? You go and google it and boom - you get 2397745 hits uncovering websites, blogs, businesses involving my unique idea *sigh*

It started this morning when I was on a walk and decided to commit to capture my weight loss journey in an online diary. Nothing unique in that I can hear you shout. I agree there must be thousands of those but here comes my clever thought.......................... I wanted a title which included the word 'mind' in it because that is important to me. So I was brainstorming around that and thought 'AHA' maybe a word play on mind over matter? CLUNK .....Mind over Fatter!!!!!! I was ever so pleased with myself and carried on stomping proudly through the muddy Kent country side.

Initially I was not even going to google it because I felt so sure of my uniqueness......................... duhhhhh

Anyway moving on after that site adress has been taken on blogger, wordpress and some New Zealand company is using it to peddle their products. Quick reframe - deep breath - I like Mind over Batter much better for several reasons. I will explain in the next couple of days