Bottling that feeling

Wouldn't it be good if we could do that...... I am trying to anchor a memory of the empowered, positive way I am feeling about myself and my weight. At the moment anything is possible. I have been trying to be my very best every day and it is obviously working.

I know life is an up and down, yin and yang and where there is light there must be dark, so I know it will not always be this way. But my overriding personality trait is optimism and I believe that what I am doing this time is a huge step forward.

Being on a very strict diet teaches me a lot of things about emotional eating. It is similar to the lessons I learned when I gave up smoking. Dragging on a cigarette always 'helped me' to ease any stress. Not having that crutch after giving up, I realised that I coped with stress just as well without - probably better.

After some initial adjustment, I have not felt hunger nor fullness for the last 10 days and because I am so focused it has been blissfully easy. Feeling the same all day long has side effects. For one I think it must be good for my body not to have the ups and downs of differing sugar levels - I truly feel amazing in myself. At the moment I need to sleep much more than I usually do and will be in bed way before midnight(!!!).

Not feeling hungry or stuffed also creates empty space. It is difficult to explain what it is like, I think of it as a large, white and very bright room that is nearly empty and feels very peaceful and empowering. What an unfamiliar place for me to be. The room I am usually in when it comes to food is cluttered, all the colours under the sun, it is busy, there is pressure and stress and I am spinning around in the middle of it, often in despair.

So what will happen the next time I feel emotional and will want to administer some food to make myself feel better?? Which room will I go to?

Weight loss journal prompt

I use these prompts to write in my personal weight loss diary (I use a moleskine and the lovely ink pen I got for Christmas a couple of years ago with THE most funky colours of ink. If you have never come across a moleskine notebook you do not know what you are missing)

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.

Anais Nin

I am just thinking, if this statement were true - how true and reliable is MY truth? And I am thinking about my need to be right (which I usually am of course ;)

Feeling grrrrrrrrreat

(My impression of the Kellogg's tiger) - hormones are lining up with the universe again and I am losing weight steadily now. It really is a head thing, not a will power thing and it is a today thing not a I am going to do it tomorrow thing.

My mantra is about what I do right now to contribute to where I want to be and often that just means I can not fulfill impromptu needs like eating something tempting. So what I am doing right now, is writing my journal and that has helped me no end to get my head straight. A big thank you to my two wonderful comment leavers - your support is so invaluable to me. I know I am accountable and supported.

I can not stop thinking about Dr. Who' s first episode of the new series 'Partners in crime' which, in a way, is about weight loss. Evil woman sets up big corporation and sells diet pills. People who take pills are delighted. Every morning they wake up and are lighter without exercising or eating less. At night little people made of their fat remove themselves from their bodies. They have eyes and little feet and just waddle away. Of course there is more to it, it is Dr. Who after all! But the thought makes me crack up every time when my scales have moved down. Another little fat person has left from my hips, or my thighs - next week one from my stomach please.

Hormones

There I was delighting about my hormones being aligned with the universe and bumm, PMT hits me - hard! It is an emotional roller coaster being there and I would be very happy to not ever have it again. It always affects my self image which is my weak point even on a good day.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a woman. If I was about to be born again in our times and there was a queue for men and one for women. I would sign up to be female - no contest. I think the male species needs to go through a male revolution to find out where and how they can/want to/should fit into the world ..............


Anyway the good news is: I am a loser :) FINALLY I am weighing less than when I started this blog in January.

take that!

You, you're such a big star to me
You're everything I wanna be
But you're stuck in a hole and
I want you to get out
I don't know what there is to see
But I know it's time for you to leave
We're all just pushing along
Trying to figure it out, out, out.

Your anticipation pulls you down
When you can have it all,
you can have it all.

So come on, so come on, get it on
I don't know what you're waiting for
Your turn is coming
don't be late, hey hey
So come on
See the light on your face
Let it shine
Just let it shine
Let it shine

Stop being so hard on yourself
It's not good for your health
I know that you can change
So clear your head and come round
You only have to open your eyes
You might just get a big surprise
And it may feel good and
you might want to smile,
smile, smile.

Oh don't you let your
demons pull you down
'Cause you can have it all,
you can have it all.

So come on, so come on, get it on
I don't know what you're waiting for
Your time is coming
don't be late, hey hey
So come on
See the light on your face
Let it shine
Just let it shine
Let it shine

Hey let me know ya
You're all that matters to me
Hey let me show ya
You're all that matters to me.
(repeat)
So come on, get it on
I don't know what you're waiting for
Your turn is coming
don't be late, hey hey
So come on, See the light on your face
Let it shine
Just let it shine
Let it shine

Hey let me know ya
You're all that matters to me
Hey let me show ya
You're all that matters to me
(repeat)

Hey let me love you
You're all that matters to me (shine shine shine shine shine so come on see the light on your face let it sine just let it shine shine)
Hey so come on yeah
Shine all your light over me.
See the light on your face

Let it shine
Just let it shine
Shine!

The masseuse is always right

Usually when I allow myself the luxury of a massage every once in a blue moon (= probably once or twice a year) I get told that I carry a lot of tension in my shoulders and do have a lot of knots there. Often in recent years I protested and said I don't do tension anymore I gave up corporate life some time ago. But I guess, like so often I was deluding myself.

And today I could really feel the difference myself. I was soft and relaxed. Just one little tiny knot in my shoulders. I wonder what has changed............ let me think........


I also used to have a very sore right shoulder due to way too much time spend on the computer. Repetitive shoulder syndrome! But since I found arnica gel. that has been a thing of the past. I sometimes could not even lift my arm right up, it was that bad. And just before I found the gel I wondered out loud when the last time had been that I was pain free in that shoulder and I could not remember.

Today's recommendation: let go of the stuff that is not important to you and use arnica gel!

All or nothing attitude

I.e. exercising three times in as many days like a maniac and then not do anything for three weeks or eating the whole baguette because eating half has spoiled that super ultra strict diet anyway...........................

Not me - nope. Can't say I recognise that attitude *cough* I can do shades of grey when it comes to me and my weight. Honest! I am learning.........................

One thing is for sure, I will never stay within my boundaries or keep doing the same routine religiously like some people I know who are brilliant at that moderately and regularly thing. That's just me and I like it. Mind you, I must have hopped on that bike nearly every day for weeks now. It seems my day is not complete if I have not done that.

'Motivation waxes and wanes with external forces, inspiration grows from deep within'

Look who is butting in now

To keep the body in good health is a duty. . .

otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear

Buddha

I am on it - alright?! *big eye roll*

Sometimes I even manage

to surprise myself. Not often - that makes it more of a surprise.

I am feeling incredibly strong at the moment both mentally and physically. Perhaps it is all the changes I am making to my thinking or perhaps my hormones are aligned with the universe - I do not know, but I am taking it and am grateful.

The realisation is that when I REALLY wanted something, I have never ever in my life given up. It might have taken me a while, I might have been afraid, it might have been a struggle and I probably whined a lot but I always got there in the end.

And all the things I did not get were not important enough in the greater scheme of things. That is not sour grapes thinking, they really were not important enough or I would have. That much I know myself - I just forget it sometimes.

Weight loss journal prompt

Here is a journal prompt I really like. I use these in my hand written diary and this one fits beautifully in with my new theme.

When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.
(African proverb)

About living in the present

By the frequency I am posting, it is obvious that I am enthused about my observations and the path I am on now. I feel full of energy again and Gary is on the up too - I think we both had a virus and are over it.

I have been eating really well, I have been doing a sweaty workout very regularly and I am much more relaxed about matters of weight. So even when there was another pound on the scales this morning I was philosophical. I may not be able to control my weight which may be thyroid related or have some other reason I am not aware of, but I have control over other things and I am finally concentrating on those.

The present is a gift

and I am asking myself these questions to help myself:

• What would be most fun?
• What would I love to do?
• What can I play around with?
• What is the smallest next step I can make?

and one question I have not used much in my life:

• What would be easiest right now?

I think I used to live by an unwritten rule that said, if it is easy it ain't worth having - make it difficult and complicated and then put your all in to achieving it. Oh, and be stern with yourself if you do not! What I can not figure out at the moment is when I created that belief and why.

And looking back over the last10 years, all of the things that make my life wonderful today have come easily. I can not recall any of them being difficult, complicated and stressful. And even if my memory is selective they were 'projects' which involved my passion, my love and fulfilled my need to never stand still, be satisfied with my lot and shrivel up. Life is simply too precious to do that.

Pin ball machines and the Tao de Ching

I have acknowledged in an earlier post that I am an emotional eater and have been looking for a metaphor to describe what is going on. It came to me just now when I looked at my beautiful Star Trek pin ball machine.

Imagine the ball as a person, the flippers are their emotions and the trigger is controlled by somebody on the outside who is playing with the machine. The machine is switched on and the game begins, the ball and the flipper collide and the ball gets catapulted around the machine. It could be a happy event, somebody telling me how wonderful one of my pieces of work is ..... bulls eye, the ball has hit a double point target the machine goes wild 'ding ding ding ding', lights flash and it notches up the points.

It could be a disappointment, my work was not accepted by a magazine......... the ball shoots around the machine and ends up too far left and drops out of the game. No points, game over, you are useless. I eat to give myself a good emotion. HAHAHAHA (insert evil laugh) who says I am not in charge of my emotions!


I think it is obvious that one should not let ones emotions be controlled from the outside. I also belief that many of our actions are driven consciously or unconsciously by the need to feel some degree of control over our lives. Where there is a gap between the two, we will find ways to compensate: eating, not eating, shopping, drinking, gambling, denial, guilt trips, abusive self talk........... Many self-help gurus talk about finding balance but I am a passionate, impulsive person and I like that about myself. I do not want to be a middle of the road person sitting on fences. So I went on this thought trip:

I download and listen to some shows from Hayhouse radio to learn and widen my horizon. There I heard Dr. Wayne Dyer talk about the Tao de Ching and I went off to read it. The beginning of the second verse of the Tao de Ching has stuck in my mind ever since:

When people see some things as beautiful,
other things become ugly.
When people see some things as good,
other things become bad.

Somehow that fits in with my post about John Wooden's philosophy. In our society winning a basketball game is good, therefore losing it is bad. The outcome of the game seems to define the teams and players but that is not telling the whole story. In contrast I watched the figure skating World Championships in March and realised they had completely changed their judging system from a 10 out of 10 'judges hold paddles up' system to an intricate computerised points system where judges and specialists look at every aspect of the skate and the result is a much wider range of points. It makes it fairer for the skaters but what really impressed me was that now they prominently displayed each skaters seasonal best score for the audience to compare with their score on the day. If I remember rightly, the silver metal winner in the men's competition was quite a bit below his own season's best. But there were scores of skaters in the minor places who had risen to the occasion and surpassed their own best scores by miles.

What would life be like if I only competed with my own personal best? Could I keep my passion and my impulses and my many other quirks that make up MOI and still find balance and peace of mind?

I feel some Kaizen coming on.....................................................